Reed the Viking

Why They Call It The Silver Screen

As somebody who constantly makes things up (see yesterday's post about Owen Wilson's nose conspiracy), I feel not anger, but respect for this young woman. You got me, and if I was an insecure man, I'd go edit yesterday's post to make it seem like I knew your little "using white board to quit job" routine was a hoax. But I'm not insecure (please don't go check to see if I edited it, I didn't I swear). Apparently she's just a hot actress, once more confirming that attractive women in real life are either poppin' out babies at home like they should, or whoring it out in Hollywood. Don't fall prey to the myth that attractive women actually get jobs and do work, please.

Speaking of acting, the legendary James Caan of Bottle Rocket fame is one of those rare Hollywood conservatives. Never heard of Bottle Rocket? Ok, how about James Caan of Bulletproof fame? No takers? I think he was in the Godfather, I don't know if you've heard of that one. Whatever, Bottle Rocket's James Caan is a smart man, not because he's not a liberal, but because of this:

"Caan, who was at the event promoting his involvement with the online platform Openfilm.com, also added that he doesn’t think Hollywood actors need to comment on every single political issue. "I don't want to comment on that. I'll let those other geniuses do that – all those actors who like to find a stage to push their agendas," he said. "They don't have political science degrees... I certainly don't. I'll leave it to Sean Penn or Barbara Streisand to comment on that.""

Damned straight. I hate listening to these assholes lecture about whatever the trendy cause of the week is. Perhaps they don't understand why it's called the silver screen. Silver tarnishes easily, it kinda sucks and gets awarded to second place. The celebrities of Hollywood are celebrities of the silver screen, because their importance to the world is secondary to that of people who are important in real life. That said, Rip Torn: Great actor or greatest actor? He played the best dodgeball coach of all time, but his character in Dodgeball can't compare to himself in real life. Apparently, he drunkenly broke into a bank he thought was his home while armed with a gun. This happened last year, at age 78. Bless him.

Now let me turn my sights to dumb musicians (if the two people I'm going to rail against can even be considered that). Katy Perry, I feel wrong to shit on you because it's just so easy, but the California Girls Gurls song is one of the worst things I've ever heard. I lived in California for two years, there were cute girls and ugly girls, just like anywhere else. You girls aren't special, if anything, many of you are vapid, flaky messes with inflated egos for G-d knows why. To be fair, the guys are similarly lame; lame is probably the best word to describe Cali culture. Tool is a good one to describe Cali people. Ok, I'm sorry to whatever Cali readers I have, you're not all bad, but if she's going to generalize the good, I'm going to generalize the bad. So Katy, you're both forgettable and deniable, and the hottest girls in your state are most likely from other states, or Asia on student visa. When The Beach Boys sang California Girls, I thought it was ok because they were complementing the ladies, but for you to sing a song about yourself like that... could it get any more self-centered?

Unfortunately, yes it can, and that brings us to number two, Travis (Travie now, apparently) McCoy. Your billionaire song is the whiniest, self-pityingest (I made up another word!) piece of garbage I've ever heard. It's more whiny and self-pitying than "Why don't girls date me, what did I do to deserve this, when will mom let me move out?" by <insert name of Jewish comedian here>. The lyrics, "I want to be a billionaire, so freakin bad" pain me every time I hear them. I hate to sound like a commie, but somebody who money is that important to kind of makes me sick. He wants to be "on the cover of Forbes magazine, smiling next to Oprah and the Queen." Well, Travie, how about working for that money? Instead of whining about how bad you want to be a billionaire, start a business or invest in one. Oprah is a self-made woman; granted the Queen is just a lucky asshole, but most billionaires don't get there by whining about how much they want to be one, and how if they were one they'd help the world be a better place. They are men of action (lies do not become them), so get a real job you hippie and grow up, TraviS. Your song is gay.

Ok, now onto real men. From Dad, Badass of the Week Fridtjof Nansen. Note that he's a viking like me.

Real musician Ian Anderson and Jethro Tull play show in Israel, despite pressure to join artist boycott of Israel. I love Tull, have since I can remember, and Bouree is always a fun one to whistle, but this live version performed in Israel has the added bonus of a mid-song Hatikva break. Stand Up and Benefit still remain two of my favorite albums of all time, check 'em out if you've never heard 'em. Lucky dad of mine got to see them in concert like a month ago, I'm very jealous.

Identity politics, the lifeblood of the democratic party: Harry Reid, "If you're a hispanic and you vote Republican, you're Polpot and Casto's demon-spawn son, Polsto... or Caspot if there's more than one of you." Cuban Republican Marco Rubio's response also in the link, but if you don't want to click, I'll let you know that Rubio called Reid a "cockaroach" and told him to "fuck Gaspar Gomez and fuck the fucking Diaz brothers." His representatives were unavailable for comment.

Sex, much like alcohol, can do anything: Sex makes you more beautiful. So are hot people attractive because they get laid, or do they get laid because they're attractive, and thus get hotter, facilitating their sexual conquests? Viscious cycle.

Patriotism is now offensive: You can't sing the national anthem here, this is the Lincoln Memorial! Apparently singing the national anthem is a political "demonstration."

California 1.9 billion in the red after ONE MONTH of new fiscal year. Maybe if they gave the money to Travie McCoy they'd be in a better spot, anything is better than giving money to Sacramento to spend. It's not tax revenue that's indebted us, it's spending. I wonder, Katy Perry, how are you California gurls gonna look when you're all broke?

Buffalo, New York was once the 14th fattest city in the world. One man, trying to lose weight by eating leaner meats, had his efforts foiled by the law. NY Police Find Live Cat Marinating in Car Trunk. Cats are evil, disgusting animals, not to be confused with their cute, awesome relatives, the Lolcat.

My second or third post ever on this blog was a piece of history about myself, my father, and camping. Thankfully, he was a little better than these guys (H/T also goes out to my dad, from one of my favorite blogs, Are We Lumberjacks):

EMBED-Two Guys Too Wasted To Set Up Tents - Watch more free videos

I leave you with a reminder to find me an adult sized alligator shirt. My father's good friend went on vacation, and being the vigilant man that he is, he found a shirt, but alas, it was not made for adults. Here are the pictures he took so you know what to look for.

Rocky Gives the Best Abortions

At 8:32AM PST this morning, I received two texts from my sister: "I've just coined a term based on 2 pot smokin long haired old hippies I just saw driving a BMW convertable," reads the first one. "And I think it applies to many other people, especially in NY, San Fran and Al Gore: Hippycrite." Hilarious, I'm ashamed I didn't think of it first, as I have a long history of making up great words (example: Anthetic; Hub; Business Casual). Little did I know at the time that I would have a great opportunity to use her text as a segue into a blogpost! Today's prime hippycrite (unsurprisingly) is our dear Madam Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, with the awesome headline from Ed Morrissey: "We need partial birth abortions for Jesus, or something." Money quote:

"When conservatives talk about religious values informing public policy goals, the Left shrieks about the separation of church and state and usually refers to the Right as an American Taliban. Pelosi will get a pass, however, because she uses the religious language to argue for their pet causes. It’s a good idea to capture this moment anyway, for the next time someone argues that “Christianists” are attempting a theocratic takeover of America." 

Damned theocrats! Let the record show that I am firmly in support of the separation of church and state, generally oppose those who try to legislate morality, and I'm simply pointing out the double standard. When I say I oppose those who would legislate morality, I don't mean that I oppose religious people per say, only those who would legislate based on their religious moral codes (another reason to <3 Chris Christie). Also let the record show that while I'm pro-choice, partial-birth abortions are disgusting. It could easily be avoided by simply throwing the relevant pregnant woman down a long flight of stairs; famous example of this strategy shown below:

 

While still vaguely on the topic of Ed Morrissey and brilliant headlines: "AQ's #3 Applies for his 72 Virgins." Ed was on a roll today, and that literally made me bust out laughing. It was the first I had heard of news that we got AQ's #3 man, so I hoped to provide a funny way to break the news to those who haven't yet heard about this. Ed's colleague Allahpundit also provided a bit of laughter for me, albeit not straight off the bat with his headline. Money quote:

"Is the world’s submersibles industry so bereft of talent that James Cameron is the go-to guy when a national crisis in the deep sea erupts? This is like NASA announcing that they’ve detected a killer asteroid on course for Earth and Obama immediately dialing up Michael Bay."

Allah never fails to amuse, and he hit the nail right on the head there with that one. James Cameron being a big fag and taking himself super serially is one thing, but the fact that our government takes him super serial is a little frightening. Next thing you know, they're calling in Dog the Bounty Hunter to take out Bin Laden. Hmm... not a bad idea, good job Reed!

American liberal bloggers Ezra Klein and Matt Yglesias are either divorced from reality or willfully ignorant: China's forced relocation projects are totally sweet (h/t: Instaglenn). Since I tend to know a little bit about China, I felt compelled to respond to this. The article mentions the millions of Beijingers forced to move for the olympics (typical Chinese stage management), but doesn't even hit the tip of the iceberg. Millions more were forced to move from their homes to accommodate the Three Gorges Dam project, in some cases without any sort of compensation at all (including funds which were embezzled by local officials, according to wiki). This must be the sort of progress for which Tom Friedman incessantly lauds China. Never heard of the tyranny of the majority I guess. We're not talking about eminent domain here, we're talking millions of people being displaced. Useful idiots...

I mentioned the Israeli flotilla incident a little bit yesterday, and have been reading about it for the better part of the day. My take is that the Israeli troops were justified in self-defense when it got to that point, but that it never should have gotten there in the first place. Israel should have known better than to fall into that PR trap, and now they will suffer for it. Big kudos to Obama and the U.S. representatives in the U.N. for standing up for Israel though, they seemed to divert a disastrous U.N. resolution that would have further isolated Israel in the international community and opened the floodgates for more anti-semitism and hate. This article via George Friedman is my choice of reading material for anybody who wants to look into this matter.

Also related, Professor Jacobson of Cornell Law proposed, "How about a convoy to Turkey?" He states:

"Turkey has repressed its large Kurdish minority, which seeks a nation of its own, and has threatened to invade Iraqi Kurdistan if it gained too much autonomy. Turkey, in turn, has been subjected to attacks from Kurdish separatist groups, and has responded harshly. The attacks on Turkey pale in comparison to attacks against Israel. Unlike Israel, the survival of Turkey and Turks is not threatened... Since Turkey now has thrust itself into the forefront of making sure Hamas can be resupplied by Iran from the sea, I presume Turkey will open its borders to shipments to Kurdish separatist groups, without inspecting those shipments for weapons."

Point well taken Professor, unfortunately logic and reason don't come into play when any Israeli conflict pops up. As we often say in the military, perception is reality; Israeli never gets credit for exercising restraint, and should have anticipated the headlines that would result from this incident. The situation should have been handled much better (before the idea to send the troops on board with paintball guns was put into action). Those on the flotilla were ready to provoke the response, and they got the headlines that they wanted; ultimately, it doesn't matter whether Israel was right or wrong.

Now for the roundup of the miscellaneous... Guatemalans are going to hell! I guess that would make Mexico hell's sphincter, the portal through which people must cross to get out of hell and into the U.S. Maybe this analogy isn't very good, so now for something completely different.

Take THAT, Airbud, you little bitch (or was he male, I don't remember). Lassie, suck it, there's a new big dog in town. Watch the video to have your mind blown by the world's coolest dog.

Memorial Day Update

So I took a break on posting for the long weekend, and I'm going to keep this post brief (but will continue posting as usual starting tomorrow). Where was I the past two days?

 

Yosemite National Park! All photos were taken on my cell phone, which has effectively replaced any need for a digital camera. When I got lost on the way home, my cell phone also served as my GPS. Ahh, the future! At Yosemite, I ran into lots of Chinese people who I impressed with my leet skillz, a nice married couple who were both prior service (AF and Marines),  and two Israeli girls who were taking a vacation now that they're out of the IDF. The Israeli girls were surprised at the way Americans "celebrate" memorial day, which was interesting to me. I wonder if they knew about the flotilla incident.

For those who don't know about the flotilla incident in Israel, here is some relevant information. If you have any doubts that the Israeli Navy was forced to act in self-defense, there are plenty of videos from on the scene. A quick google or youtube search should bring them up. I am tentatively planning to write more on this tomorrow.

Worst person evah! (h/t: Hotair) Seriously, what a terrible person... takes the whole forum troll thing to a whole new level.

Maybe this guy is the worst person evah... terrifying, I'm never doing mushrooms again (until I get out of the military). H/T: Reader Guiseppe Fratelli

Obama's previous best quote to date: "You ain't my bitch nigga, buy your own damn fries." -President Obama (they even have the soundclip for you to enjoy if you follow the link)

New quote, not quite as good but still hilarious: “At some point, Jackie, we’ll want to hear more about those tar balls and your bathing suit." -President Obama

Healine of the day via Instapundit: Air Force pounds MILF.

Unpaid internships? Soooo last decade. 2010: Pay to get an internship!

Since it's memorial day, I find it appropriate to ask: "Why so few medals of honor?"

Finally, I'd like to give thanks and pay respects to all those who gave their lives in service of the United States of America. I appreciate all that you've done in enabling me to live my life freely in the best place throughout all of world history. I will not squander the opportunity you've given me.

Goin' Camping

So today I'm going camping for the first time in decades. The last time I can remember camping, my age in years could be counted on one hand and my father tried to drown me in a lake. I don't think I've been on a canoe or ventured into the wilderness since. Was that piece of firewood really worth capsizing the canoe for, Dad? Some advice for future boating enthusiasts: Do not stand up and then lean over in a canoe... also, don't ride in canoes, they suck. As a viking, I endorse the longboat or nuclear powered aircraft carrier.

As you can see, my father was really excited about the firewood that he saw in the beaver dam. This is what happens when hippie city kids decide to "rough it." I, on the other hand, am not fooling anybody, least of all myself. I am going camping at a place that has a bar and live music on saturday nights. The only rough part is sleeping on the ground, and everybody knows that with enough alcohol in my system, I'd do that anyway. Camping is just like any other outdoor activity (i.e., softball, going to the beach etc.); Bring booze and food, do nothing, and try to get laid in the great outdoors. Hopefully today I can finally become a "happy camper."

Apparently, Smallville is still on the air, which is driving a lot of nerds crazy because it's on track to beat Stargate SG-1's record run for longest aired sci-fi series. Smallville has been horrible since like, season 2 when it became a soap opera. For all those who know what I'm talking about, Chloe's still not dead, forrealz(played by Allison Mack, not to be confused with Alex Mack who has the secret world and puddle-morphing abilities).

Exit question: Is camping fun without recreational drugs?

Exit answer: It better be, cause drugs are bad, mmkay!