Worst story evah... ok so maybe the story itself isn't that terrible, but by G-d that's an ugly woman. I mean, it's a woman with a molestache who is in fact a molester... surprise! The Molestache: I guess that's one rule that transcends gender. She really looks like Charlie's Uncle from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, no?
Ok, THIS is the worst story evah: Fire Dept. Let Man's House Burn Because He Didn't Pay Fee. Wrong on every level, Allah does a good job with his commentary.
Back in the good old days of the Navy, when sailors died of syphilis.
What chicken nuggets are made from... like the author of the article, I'll probably still eat them. To paraphrase a quote often misattributed to Otto Von Bismarck, "Laws, like sausages chicken nuggets, cease to inspire respect in proportion as we know how they are made." I grew up thinking that was OVB, but apparently some nerd named John Godfrey Saxe came up with it. He's American, so go us!
Lockheed Martin has developed a one-shot self-aiming sniper rifle... the only thing it's missing is speakers that play headshot.wav when you remove the head from the terrizt. I believe soon, sniper rifles will be unnecessary as we'll have gnat sized nano-bots acting as our drones that seek out and murder terrizts.
How far we've come: Transgendered Sex Shop Executive is the Conservative in San Francisco Race. I like that her/his (it's?) sex shop was named Good Vibrations. You see, it's a joke because it refers to the Beach Boys' "Good Vibrations" as well as vibrating sex toys!
Wait a minute, this guy got paid to RECEIVE oral sex? That's not prostitution, that's an amazing deal! Where can I sign up? Plus he got paid a scratch-off lotto ticket, which could be worth thousands! Shit, I wish I could get paid in scratch-offs by the Navy... maybe I'll drop that one in the C.O.'s suggestion box.
Kinky Americans... God Bless America, land sex positions that I love! Skip the parts about Farah Fawcetts anal cancer, but the rest is a good read!
Only 23% of Classes at Harvard Have Final Exam. I can tell you right now that is not a good thing. When I was in college, I was an unmotivated slacker who literally searched for classes that did not have a final. If the final grade was based on paper-writing, I wouldn't have to go to class and I could rely on my writing skills to get good grades. And that's exactly what I did. I never went to class, never did any work, and I would read enough about the topic to be able to write what I knew they wanted to hear and I'd bullshit an essay for an easy A. I went to a school that's considered to be the best public school in NY State too.
They say the trick to a successful business is to convince the consumer that they need what you're selling. Somehow, I don't think this is what they mean: Home Security Company Breaks Into Homes to Sell Their Services. It sounds like something the mob would do... send somebody out to kick your ass, and then tell you to pay them for your protection.
The Rise of the Unicorns: Black Republicans. "Republicans are running more blacks in white majority districts than the Democrats are." Yeah, but those black people are just a bunch of Uncle Toms, duh! In the same vein, Republican Women Run Record Number of Races. Yeah, but those women are ignorant conservatives who are controlled by men, duh!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think we should follow Brazil's lead on this one... Illiterate Clown Elected in Brazil. His slogan, "It can't get any worse." He promised that he would do nothing except report on what other people in the government were up to. Wait a minute, we already have illiterate clowns running our country; perhaps they can read, but they choose not to so they might as well be illiterate, no?
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