Your Penis in a What?

I've got an older sister, and I am proud that my older brother, myself, and my younger brother made her hit puberty later than she otherwise would have. If she had grown up any younger, I'd probably have entire blogposts devoted to how my nieces and nephews were dumpster babies at the 8th grade enchantment under the sea dance. Just kidding Brittany the Vikingess, we all know you would have kept those babies (for dinner).

I joined the Navy 2 years ago, and part of my contract involved a nice 16,000 dollar bonus. Sounds pretty kushy, does it not? Well yesterday I finally got this bonus in my bank account, and when I looked at the statement, I saw that I received only 10,800. Mr. Federal Taxman took 4,000, and NY state took 1,200. Those bastards! "If you drive a car I'll tax the street ~~ If you try to sit I'll tax your seat ~~ if you get too cold I'll tax the heat ~~ if you take a walk I'll tax your feat... cause I'm the taxman." One of my favorite Beatles songs, written by my favorite Beatle, George Harrison. I read on Beatles Rock band that George wrote that song after he got a check and 95% of the earnings went to the British government because he was in the highest tax-bracket, which had some sort of super tax. Thankfully, I didn't lose 95% of my bonus, but I'm still a little angry because some of my friends from better states like PA only lost 4,000 on federal and didn't have to pay state tax.

I remember joining two years ago, and I remember why I did it. Unfortunately, I was VERY misinformed on my options. I thought joining the U.S. Navy would be the perfect life decision, but I was off the mark by leagues (I think that's british for like, a mile). No, the perfect life decision would have been the Japanese Navy, and let me show you why (H/T: BFF Guiseppe Fratelli):

I was talking to my old college buddy and roommate Frodo, and he told me that he was looking for an appartment in Long Island City, Queens. He then IMed me and told me to search 48th ave and vernon blvd on google maps. Upon doing so, I was instructed to hit the satellite view and check the 3rd building west of the intersection. It took me a few seconds to see what he was talking about, but when I did, I thought it was awesome. I've saved you some time and effort by providing a link to you here, all you have to do is zoom in and look for the right place (you'll know it when you see it). I call it the beta male marriage proposal.

Also via Frodo, the reason our national bird is an eagle and not a turkey:

One last video from Frodo, which I'm not going to host because it's 7:00 long, but if you've got the time to spare I suggest you check it out. It's a video of RZA and GZA from the Wu-Tang Clan having coffee with Bill Murray. If you like Wu-Tang, GZA is coming out with a Wu-Tang documentary, and the trailer is hilarious (H/T: BFF Dreidel Bagelwicz).

From Frodo, a kindergarten exercise gone horribly wrong!

Note to my dumber readers who can't figure it out: it should say, "My in a is pen goat."

Kids say the darndest things, just ask Bill Cosby... this exercise underestimates the value of location. If the words are placed in the correct location, it's a nice, cute sentence. Screw with that, and you've got a 5 year old beastiality enthusiast. Location, Location, Location. It's important in the medical world too (H/T: Guiseppe Fratelli).

Smokey the bear is a hypocrite, because despite his repeated pleas against activities that could lead to forest fires, he continues to ignore his own enabling of his familial ties with marijuana farmers. We have learned that although Canadian Bears enjoy eating dog food, they do not actually make for good guard dogs. Canadian Bears Guard Pot Crop. Did they just like the dog food because they were high and had the munchies? That'd explain the lazy guard work.

Finally, with one more tip of the hat to Frodo, I present you with this next picture. Before I show you, I must say that Frodo told me that this should be our little secret, because it's one of his favorites, and he wants it to be like when you follow an indie band before it blows up and then it becomes popular and you know that you liked them before they were popular and what not. I'm going to show it anyway, because I'm not a dirty little hipster. Also, I told him that I don't get enough traffic to be mainstream, and thus, my blog is an indie blog. He said he'd write me up on that when I blow up, and say, "Yeah, I used to read Reed the Viking, but that was a long time ago." A long time ago, before I got all corporate... I warned him that I will totally go corporate and sell out if money ever gets offered to me, so I hope none of you will be let down by that. I would totally sell out. Please offer me money. Oh yeah, the picture... you know, with all this build up, you're probably not even going to like it anymore so fuck it, I'm not showing it...

Ok here it is:

Comments

[cf]

Keep $10,000 out of $16,000? Welcome to the Republican party.

[The Viking]

Haha yeah, and I'm by no means rich, being a lowly E-4. I'd say I do pretty well, especially when perks are added up, but 5,200 is still a hefty sum to take from me. That 16,000 bonus was a gift/incentive for me to take a much needed position in the military.

I should be glad I even got a bonus I suppose. My job is undermanned because people aren't staying in, even in this bad economy. One of the main reasons why is because our job makes a lot more money in the civilian or non-military government sector, but another large reason is because they stopped offering my job re-enlistment bonuses. I guess I should be thankful for that, because due to manning issues, my promotion track is just about 100% for E-5 and E-6, and it's even pretty good for making chief I hear.

[MaxedOutMama]

I don't know, man. A couple more penis/goat sentences and I think you'll have a wicked following.

Unfortunately, more than half of them will be horny Muslims hanging out in desert training camps. I'm guessing very few westerners google for "MY penis in a goat". Well, possibly in Sweden, but they don't have that much disposable income either.

Is this the type of audience you really want for the purposes of selling out and going corporate? Check your search stats by country, and consider that while you will probably rocket to the top of the Google rankings for this particular search, the demographic segment involved really does not have that much disposable income. When you are planning on selling out, you have to stay focused on demographics and disposable income.

On the other hand, I think you can really do something with the Village People/Japanese Navy bit. Gays have far fewer offspring on average, thus far more disposable income. Also the market for uplift briefs is much broader than the market for exploding briefs, so the associated advertising revenue is better.

[Sarah Rolph]

We knew you had iconoclastic tendencies, but this confirms it.

I speak, of course, of your preference for George!

(Ah, George. We miss you.)

[The Viking]

@MOM - Thank you for the business advice! That just goes to show how much practical business knowledge I lack. Perez Hilton, on the other hand, is probably banking on that demographic. I think I need a paradigm shift here... less nudey girls, more of my abs on display? Actually nevermind, all people, gays included, love boobs. Not all gays love abs (some like chubby bears).

@Sarah - I miss him too :(