Reed the Viking

I Just Like to Say Smock

I forgot to add one thing about my little Tibet/Taiwan/China talk yesterday. We have been supporting the Republic of China (Taiwan) since before they relocated to Taiwan. We have supported them since before World War II, and there are some arguably good reasons for it. They are capitalist, and embrace the West and our ideals. I won't say they were/are a model democracy, considering they had lots of corruption and 50 years of uninterrupted one party rule isn't exactly a paragon of democracy, but they aren't responsible for the deaths of millions upon millions of their own people. So Taiwan, like any other place, has its problems, but also look at how successful they are and the quality of life of it's people. You always hear about concerned Hollywood tools whining about Tibet, but do they actually know anything about the place? First of all, the PRC government will crack heads of any dissidents, not just along racial lines. Yeah, they murder the Wiggers (that's how I spell Uyghur) in Xinjiang and the Tibetans in Tibet, but they also murder any Han Chinese they disagree with too. Furthermore, do these tools know what kind of people they're supporting? Do they know what kind of government would exist in Tibet? Something similar to a theocracy, and a dead broke one with shit for infrastructure at that. Seriously, that asshole Lama cut me off, and then proceeded to drive 5 below the speed limit. The PRC has greatly improved the lives of people in Tibet, and a there are Han people who live there too.

Ok, I'll stop boring you with that, and instead, I'll bore you with this. My friend, an anti-religion self-proclaimed atheist, and I were talking about religion and what it does for good, and what it does for evil. We noted that atrocities have been committed in the name of religion, but also atrocities have been committed by bona fide atheists (Stalin, Mao ringing any bells?). What we did not note is the evolutionary basis for belief in G-d, so I'll refer you to NPR for an awesome, interesting article about just that.

Schooled by a commenter, CF, who tipped me off to this gem: Nurse's Union Topless Video Yanked. They talk about some other controversial Danish commercials, and I actually saw the one with the girl and the one night stand. Important question: How do I apply for the part of the patient in that ad? Anybody with the answer please contact me in the comments.

Cocaine? No way dude, this is powdered gum. Paris Hilton, take it from my sister, that "I'm just holding it for a friend" line doesn't work on anybody (well, maybe it'd work on you). She got arrested for only 0.8 grams, that's not even enough to have a cool billiards-related nickname. And you can't call it an eight-ball, because that's an eight of an ounce. Ahh drugs, teaching 'Mrrrkins the metric system since 1776. I actually had a conversation with some co-workers about how much I love the "freedom system" (i.e., inches, feet, miles, pounds, fahrenheit). The freedom system is basically just a big middle finger to the rest of the world, like, "Yeah, so what it doesn't make sense? This is 'Mrrrkah! FREEDOM." And then your friend throws a big sword.

Nanny State: Hey, let's ban TV for young kids! They've got all these fucking rules for kids nowadays, like they can't watch TV or drive cars, and you can't have sex with them or hit them with a belt. It's facism, and it makes me sick.

She told me she was just dancing til she saved enough to go to law school... I didn't take her seriously until I saw "Gibbons v. Ogden, 1821" tattooed on her taint. What a random court case to tattoo on yourself, you'd think that a woman working in the sex industry might pay more attention to "Roe vs. Wade." Tip your strippers well, they won't forget it when they're doctors or lawyers and you need help.

Science: "Yeah, so uh, we were just speculating about the stuff we've been hyping to the world as the most dangerous problem facing the human race. What, you expected us to actually check?" You've got to be fuckin' kidding me. Well, they had to come up with "proof" of the disastrous problem so that they could regulate legislate on it.

Via Glenn Reynolds, "bye bye fossil fuels"! Steven Den Beste does his best buzzkill: "hold up a minute Glenn, this might help the terrizts." But Steven, what if the government kept tight control over it... just kidding. On an unrelated and embarrassing note, I must admit that I thought thorium was an element made up by Blizzard Entertainment and used in their Warcraft series. On an unrelated and not-embarrassing note, my favorite element is Tungsten because it's symbol is W, and like, WTF is with that? Also, it sounds funny. So does the word "smock." There's a great Calvin and Hobbes comic about that one.

 

I knew it! Heavy Drinkers Outlive Non Drinkers. Take that, NERDS! SPRING BREAK '06, WOOOOOOOO!

Of course, Baboons already knew this secret to longevity (H/T: Hotair).

Evil jooooooz murder and rape poor, pitiful Palestinians in the West Bank are thriving. Could it be because their government is not a terrorist group who rejects the existence of Israel, but a more moderate group that rejects the existence of Israel.

U.S. Mosque, along with British toolbag, raise money for Hamas (with video).

And now I leave you on a bittersweet note, as I present you with a video symbolic of American decline. (H/T: Hotair.com) For if we cannot present the world with the greatest action scenes in modern cinema, I don't have much hope for our future. I'm just kidding, We've had tons of better scenes than this, but damn this one's good, and gotta give credit where it's due.

The Dalai Lama Cut Me Off

I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti... slthththth.

It's like rain on your wedding day, it's a free ride when you have 10,000 spoons and need a knife. It's one hand in my pocket, and the other hand was lost in 'Nam. I don't remember all the lyrics, ok? It's ironic though, or maybe it's just odd luck and coincidence. The point is, I think this qualifies under the umbrella of irony: Ghost Hunter killed by train while looking for ghost train. He was probably good at seeing supernatural stuff, which led to his tragic lack of natural sight. Now all he has to do to hunt ghosts is find a mirror, HEYO!

Mitch Daniels, one of my favorite politicians out there, is unfortunately short. At least he gets badass points for riding a harley to a speech appearance. On the other point, he gets major fags points for riding a harley.

Law Professor Ann Althouse tipped me off to that picture when she compared pictures of Presidents on bikes (and one stank ass commie with a gun). The same stank ass commie who went shirtless horseback riding in Siberia. If he weren't such a stank ass commie, he'd be like, 50% 'Mrrrkin, but he'd rather be an asshole.

Pop quiz: What does Reed the Viking hate more than commies? Pop answer: Terrizts. As the most 'Mrrkin blogger in the world, I obviously hate terrizm. Terrizm is antithetical to 'Mrrka and freedom and huge boobs attached to blonde hair (I'm not sure if there's anything between the breasts and the hair, you'd have to talk to a scientist about that). So does it upset me when my TSA routinely annoys the shit out of me when I want to travel, but still can't catch these fucking monkeys? News like this makes me want to punch a baby.

Best hair-do evah? Money quote: "I'll bet Ms. Progris wishes she'd spent more time doing Kegel exercises before her recent encounter at the jail."

For all you people out there who are not knowledgable about East Asia's politics or culture, let me explain some things to you. Chinese Taipei is communist for the 'Mrrrkin word, Taiwan. I think the Taiwanese and even them commie mainlanders also call the island Taiwan, but our gubment back in the 70's (thanks, Dick... Nixon) decided to push our democratic friends under the bus, or as the chinese say, 公共汽車, so now we call it Chinese Taipei. Even though all my clothes, my cell phone, and my girlfriend all say "made in Taiwan," when we have the little league olympics, we call a spade Chinese Taipei. For those interested (Hi Mom!) I am in favor of Taiwanese independence, but puzzlingly enough, I am not in favor of Tibetan independence. The Dalai Lama once cut me off and I'll never forgive him for it, asians really can't drive! Where do I draw the distinction between who should have self-determination? Arbitrarily... just kidding, Taiwan has it's own military (Army, Navy, Air Force) and has been politically and economically independent for decades. Tibet, well, sorry, but just deal with it, you lost. Supporting your independence movement is no different than supporting Hawaiian independence. Who are we 'Mrrrkins to get involved in issues infringing upon Chinese sovereignty when it comes to their territories (Taiwan doesn't count for the aforementioned reasons)?

Hmmm.... Governer of the People's Bank of China defected to 'Mrrrka? Doubtful but we'll see.

Glenn links to futurepundit about a melanoma killing drug, who makes sure to bash the counterintuitive, counterproductive measures of the FDA.

"But do not expect it at a doctor’s office any time soon.

Further studies are needed before the drug can be approved by the FDA.I find this infuriating. Once you’ve been given a death sentence diagnosis and have months to live why should you have to die without being able to try experimental treatments?

Stage IV metastatic variety of melanoma has a 5 year survival rate below 20% and even lower in some cases. Malignant melanoma diagnosis amounts to a check-out notice from the Life Hotel. Such check-out notices ought to entitle you to a “Get out of the FDA jail card” where you get to try experimental treatments."

Infuriating indeed. In better news, however, that drug will be obsolete when this miracle cure comes out. Well alcoholism is now considered a disease, can you cure that Mr. Smarty Pants Scientist? How about sex addiction? I've got a terrible case of it, and the only prescription is more bewbs! 

I tried really hard to stay away from 'Mrrrkin politics today, because I'm tired of it and I generally don't like anybody on either side (but I don't like liberals more; social cons, you suck too but as long as you're pissed about the economy I'll put up with you). However, I could not stay away from this revelation as Rachel Maddow** and the rest of the predictable, snarky lesbian MSNBC hosts (Kayo, C-Matts) bash a racist tea-partier who we later found out was a gay democrat supporter who donated tens of thousands to democrats and fundraised for John "I swear I thought this was Massachusetts water" Kerry. Damn racist homophobic republicans, stop being democrats!

Just one more thing about that whole Glenn Beck rally. Glenn Beck sucks; he doesn't scare me, but the whole religious revival mega church crap he pulled at D.C. does kind of make me feel a little uncomfortable. I'm not anti-religion; if you want to be religious, I'm not going to be a dick about it to you or tell you not to believe in G-d, so long as you're not an asshole to me and try to convert me to the ways of Christ. On the other hand, I could do with less G-d in my politics. Whatever, the Glenn Beck rally is pretty inconsequential to me, it was the liberal reaction that was more telling IMO. From what I read, the rally was positive in it's outlook, so that's good I guess.

H/T Are We Lumberjacks for this hilarious picture. It kind of reminds me of how when I tell people I speak Chinese, they all tell me to say something in it, except in my case I can't make a funny graphic.

 

**I starred up above near Rachel Maddow's name for two reasons:

1. The bad news: she was totally hot before she lezzed out and went all Dykie Dykowicz.
2.  The good news: She can be played by Ralph Macchio in the inevitable biopic.

Of course, that project would have to follow the one he's currently working on, "Wax On, Fuck Off." Enjoy.

Bewbs: A Protest Movement I Can Uphold: Part II

I probably dislike Glenn Beck more than your average self-proclaimed liberal. I wasn't sure what it was that I didn't, other than his hamfisted and sensationalist style, like until my older brother put it into words for me. Glenn Beck takes some ideas that I agree with, and perverts them with a huge helping of crazy, making those ideas laughable and dismissible. So when Glenn Beck had a rally in DC this weekend, I ignored it completely because I don't give a crap. However, the media was all over it, and their response is what I find interesting (although it's utterly predictable). I'll leave it to people better than myself to comment.

From Cornell Law Professor William Jacobson, a screengrab of the WaPo article covering the rally. Typical, but still, point 'em out and hammer the point.

The Washington Examiner's Timothy P. Carney eviscerates the NYT's coverage.

Jim Treacher from the Daily Caller has a roundup of quotes from all over the media (AP, Politico, CBS, Newsweek, WaPo, LA Times, Salon) that speak for themselves... I love the way the last one fits in. Martin Luther King Jr.'s niece Alveda King spoke at the rally, I wonder how she could find the stones to speak to all those white people! What an Uncle Tom! Or Aunt Tomika? Yeah, I watched Sister, Sister, so what?

There's more, but it's more of the same so I'll spare you. Any rally that doesn't involve topless women is a rally not worth going to/covering/reading about. Too bad I didn't know about National Go Topless Day, which took place last week. Apparently, they had a rally on my island. This is a movement I could definitely get behind (or in front of, HEYO!) A picture from the groups website:

A winning argument if I've ever seen one. 

Hey, didn't I write about something like this in the past...

Terrizts are bad, we all know this. Many people have tried to explain where terrizm comes from, and why people decide to become terrizts. Some people think it's 'Mrrrkas fault; they're called commies, and they're the semi-irrelevant (but still eeeevvvviiiiilllllllllll) step-cousins to terrizts. Some people think it's the sand's fault, because sand is all over terrizt countries, and it gets into their burkas and makes their vagines itch. I used to hold the second theory to be true, but thanks to the Huffington Post, I have discovered the true reason a man becomes a terrizt... rejection. I give you Khuram Sher, suspected terrizt, auditioning for 'Canadian Idol' (which I must assume is a giant contest to see who can wear the most flannel).

You see, he just wanted to be a dancer!

Saturday Update

Moved into my new place, it could be some time before I get the internet up and running here, but I'll try to post as best I can. In lieu of Viking posting today, I have two excellent articles that must be read. Maybe they're just excellent because I agree with the authors, but I implore you to read them. The first is from the NYT's editorial pages, David Brooks discusses two nations different responses to the economic crisis in 2008 and how they are doing economically today. We've got unemployment in double digits, the stock market and the real estate market are hobbling along and our debt is at, to borrow one of the President's favorite words,unprecedented levels. Now compare us to Germany, because that's where we could be... then again, the tortoise won the race, right? My favorite quote:

"The economy can’t be played like a piano — press a fiscal key here and the right job creation notes come out over there. Instead, economic management is more like parenting. If you instill good values and create a secure climate then, through some mysterious process you will never understand, things will probably end well."

Like my dad always says (and I paraphrase), the government can't do all much to help an economy in recession, but it can do plenty to fuck it up further. 

The other piece is about the track record of progressives against progress. Notice how progress routinely involves a large government body, sometimes international, restricting the freedom of the middle class to protect the interests of the upper class, all under the guise of altruistic intentions. Quick summary: In the 70's, there was the population bomb, where the only solution to save the planet and the people on it was sterilization and the banning of family photos in the media. In the 80's, there was nuclear winter, which required unilateral nuclear disarmament and an international governing body to watch over the remaining nukes. Then there was global warming, which of course, could be solved by a ban of jet-travel and economic stagnation. That's an over-simplification, so read the damn article yourselves, it's excellent. Money quotes in no particular order:

"In each case, liberals have argued that the threat of catastrophe can be averted only through drastic actions in which the ordinary political mechanisms of democracy are suspended and power is turned over to a body of experts and supermen."

"Where American consumers had once felt confidence in food and drug laws that protected them from dirt and germs, a series of food scares involving additives made many view science, not nature, as the real threat to public health. Similarly, the sensational impact of the feminist book Our Bodies, Ourselves—which depicted doctors as a danger to women’s well-being, while arguing, without qualifications, for natural childbirth—obscured the extraordinary safety gains that had made death during childbirth a rarity in developed nations."

"As such proposals indicate, American liberalism has remarkably come to resemble nineteenth-century British Tory Radicalism, an aristocratic sensibility that combined strong support for centralized monarchical power with a paternalistic concern for the poor. Its enemies were the middle classes and the aesthetic ugliness it associated with an industrial economy powered by bourgeois energies."

"Like the Tory Radicals, today’s liberal gentry see the untamed middle classes as the true enemy. “Environmentalism offered the extraordinary opportunity to combine the qualities of virtue and selfishness,” wrote William Tucker in a groundbreaking 1977 Harper’s article on the opposition to construction of the Storm King power plant along New York’s Hudson River. Tucker described the extraordinary sight of a fleet of yachts—including one piloted by the old Stalinist singer Pete Seeger—sailing up and down the Hudson in protest. What Tucker tellingly described as the environmentalists’ “aristocratic” vision called for a stratified, terraced society in which the knowing ones would order society for the rest of us. "

"True to its late-1960s origins, political environmentalism in America gravitates toward both bureaucrats and hippies: toward a global, big-brother government that will keep the middle classes in line andtoward a back-to-the-earth, peasantlike localism, imposed on others but presenting no threat to the elites’ comfortable lives. How ironic that these gentry liberals—progressives against progress—turn out to resemble nothing so much as nineteenth-century conservatives."

Read the whole thing and have a nice weekend.

We're in a Depression, Will Healthcare Provide Free Zoloft?

One of my best friends, college graduate Dreidel Bagelwicz (he's Joooooish), is somewhat interested in going into law. He works as a paralegal at the moment, and he told me he might apply for law school in the upcoming years. I told him that I'd read a lot on the depression of the law industry, and how law students were suing (typical) their schools for fudging numbers on their employability estimates. Put simply, law graduates are having trouble getting jobs these days. He said he knew of the situation, and that was the end of the conversation. Well, Dreidel, if you're reading this, I have great news for you! You DO have job opportunities after law school! True, those lucky students go to UCLA which is ranked 15, but still I do believe there is hope for you. One day, you too may be able to drive some old guy's lexus around some traffic jam.

It'd be fun to be a chauffer... if you got to use this car. DIY: Students build an electric car that passes 300 mp/h. Those bastards better be careful, we all know the dangers of going super-sonic and entering the 8th dimension. I mean, Dr. Lizardo and Buckaroo Bonzai showed us the very real dangers of that sort of travel. Lord John Whorfin is not to be trifled with.

Google, like alcohol and duct tape, can pretty much do anything. Google launches new program to allow you to make free domestic calls from your computer. International calls cost about $0.02 a minute. Cool stuff, too bad I don't trust Google as far as I can throw them (trick statement: You can't throw something that's everyhere).

iPhone, like google, duct tape and alcohol can pretty much do anything. Couple uses iPhone to thwart robbery in their home from 1400 miles away on vacation. Pretty cool, but to be honest, this is sort of old news. Over 4 years ago I installed a little program on my laptop that was an alarm. When activated, any person who did not properly de-activate it would set off the alarm, which would simultaneously take a picture through the webcam and send an email with the picture attached to my personal email. I love the future.

Economist: Good news, we're officially in a depression. Well, there's two ways to go when you hit rock bottom... up, or suicide. My bet: the American economy doesn't have the balls to commit suicide. Pussy! Chicken! Yeah, you're such a failure you can't even kill yourself. Seriously, that's how you're supposed to talk to depressed, suicidal people. They react terribly to compassion, you must goad them, because if they're all emo, they def don't have the balls to off themselves. Trust me, the Navy makes us do suicide prevention training a few times a year, I'm basically like a black-belt in suicide prevention.

Why Hollywood loves liberalism, explained. Pretty standard fare, although I do think this is a noteworthy quote: "As Nozick said, “a capitalist society rewards people only insofar as they serve the market-expressed desires of others; it rewards in accordance with economic contribution, not in accordance with personal value.” This might seem counter-intuitive but, if you think about it, a system that rewards individuals for improving the lot of others is far fairer than one that rewards them for some arbitrary intrinsic quality." Uh oh... the author of that article made capitalism sound fair, I don't like it any more!

Ulysses: Not just unreadable James Joyce garbage, but a real, living man? Ok, so I've never read Joyce's Ullyses, but I have read Dubliners and I rather liked it. Homer's Odyssey was one of the first books I ever read (well, my dad read it to me). I always liked when he tricks the cyclops and calls himself "No man" but then, in a showcase of textbook hubris, he reveals his identity.

Question of the day (H/T: Hotair): Is it simply British to 'get smashed'?

This is why teacher tenure needs to go... Unbelievable: Teacher assigns class project where they plan a terror attack. Well, I took forensics and I have a great assignment for her students as well. I'd like them to plan a murder, and the person who's plan has the least risk of getting caught will be picked for the follow up assignment :). Hint: the target is female and Australian, working as a teacher. Good luck!

Obama Inflatable Sex Doll on sale in Asia. There are pictures up if you follow the link. Wow, just wow. Maybe they got their inspiration from this? I mean, Superman is the protector of the human race, let's take it one step further and make a doll of the protector of te entire planet! Oceans will rises, babies will cease to cry, yes we can!

I didn't write about it when it happened, because I didn't care much and I didn't think you all would care either, but there was a time when a lot of violence was being blamed on tea-bag hers (I did write about that). A census worker's suicide was blamed on the political right and used as proof of escalating wingnuttery. On the right, they're still waiting for apologies, aren't they. Well they were also blaming the firebombing of Rep. Russ Carnahan's campaign office on righties, which I found to be more feasable but without proof, it's just demagogery. Turns out the culprit was a lefty and former staffer to Carnahan. So when a muslim cab driver in NY was brutally attacked recently, of course the left practiced some restraint until the facts cleared up. Who am I kidding, the usual suspects jumped on "islamaphobia" on the right contributing to the attack, when the police confirm it was a man who works for Park 51, the group involved with the mosque near ground zero. Glenn's got the scoop in the same link above, as does the blog American Power (sorta a redundant name, I think... let's take it one step furter. Male American Power, booyah suck it feminists!).

Allah introduces us to a new hilarious political candidate, who as he notes, doesn't fit in the same category as Basil Marceaux or Alvin Greene perhaps. Read the link above to get some better commentary, but watch the video and see for yourself what kinda guy we're dealing with here. Fine, I know you people hate clicking links so I'll provide an excerpt. "He looks a bit like Chris Farley, he sounds a bit like Jack Black, but the magic is all his own, my friends."

That'll do it for me today. If you look over to the right side of the blog, you'll see my twitter feed is embedded, feel free to follow me on twitter if you'd like. I'm moving into my new place tomorrow, and it'll be a week or two before I have internet at home, but I should be able to continue posting as normal by either stealing internet from a neighbor, or going to a starbucks as a last resort. Either way, I should be blogging, but don't boycott me if I don't, I love your sweet, sweet traffic.

This Post Will Blow Your Mind

The Jersey Shore's The Situation is estimated to make 5 million dollars this year. I love you, America.

Yesterday I laid out my proposal for the abolition of marriage as a state institution. One of my favorite commenters, Harry Potter (I assume that's what HP stands for), gave me a virtual high five, and shared that he too shares that sentiment. Today, in an interview continuing from yesterday, Red Eye's Greg Gutfeld  also came out in favor of abolition. He must read my blog (Welcome, Greg)! When asked about gay marriage, he responded:

"I have no problems with it. Look, gays deserve everything straights have, that’s just the bottom line. If it makes it easier for everybody, just remove the whole idea of marriage from government. I think it’s more of a religious question. They attach marriage to their religious beliefs and I can understand, it’s about the word. You know, I don’t care what they call it. And this thing out in California — so confusing to me. But you know what, whatever makes you happy and doesn’t hurt anybody — which sounds really contrived — is basically the way it should be, in my mind."

Noted pervert and proponent of authoritarianism observes what seems all too obvious to everybody else. NY is too expensive to film, says Woody Allen. And as Hollywood gets more and more expensive and restricting, many production companies are picking up shop and taking it elsewhere (like Vancouver, for example). If you want people to invest in your jurisdiction, maybe try having a business friendly climate.

Recently, Sean Penn has also taken to Europe as a location to film. Sean Penn is super lame (despite how awesome Spicoli is). This is an irrefutable fact, just like how proscuitto (import [di parma] only; please, domestic proscuitto should be a crime) is the best deli meat. Sean Penn is lame, and in case you needed any evidence, just watch the 2001 Tardcom thriller, I Am Sam. Tardcom, definition: A spoonerism palindrome onomotopia portmanteau conjoining the words Tard and Comedy. Other examples include The Other Sister, Benny and Joon, and of course Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List. Oh so where was I? Sean Penn is lame, right. Well today, surprisingly, I've got to give it to him. He is very, very brave. I'm not talking about how he "speaks truth to power" and loves communism, that's standard Hollywood fare. No, I'm talking about his decision to transition into a woman as a 50-something. I always knew Princess Buttercup was a lesbian, why else would she reject the charming Prince Humperdink? Well Robin, you've got your wish; here's Shawna Penn!

Sean really gave his detractors some ammunition with that shot. On the other hand, Yoko Ono, who I have hated for my entire conscious life, has completely redeemed herself. She sang at the MoMA, intimately engaged with the crowd and uploaded the video for all to see. She's done great correcting her image with this one, that's for sure (H/T: Twitter buddy and Navy prior service, GConRap).

She was either trying to sing, or was getting fucked hard by John Lennon's ghost. I prefer to think it's the latter; regardless, my favorite part had to be at the end when those 'tards (I'm sorry Sarah Palin, I mean mentally disabled... retard) were talking about how great the performance was. I have never appreciated "modern art," because to me, it was usually like, one little black dot in the center of an outrageously large white canvas or something retarded like that. This disdain for "modern art" is strongly tied to the male Vikings in my family, starting roughly with my paternal grandfather. My grandmother, who LOVES modern art (she has the quirkiest, most awesome sense of style evah) dragged my grandfather to the Guggenheim art museum a long time ago against his will. When they got there, my grandmother quickly lost (ignored is probably better) my grandfather, but eventually she noticed he was missing. She looked around and found a crowd gathered around one piece, listening intently to the tour guide. Upon closer inspection, she noticed that the tour guide was my grandfather, and was feeding the crowd complete bullshit (which they eat right up). "You see, those lines represent sexual repression, and that red splotch signifies the blood spilled in the fight for civil rights." My grandmother never made him go back to the art museum again. That sort of sabotage behavior is evident in my character, like when my mom asks me to do the laundry and I make sure to fuck it up so she never asks me to do it again! Thanks Gramps!

Epic fail: German teen who robbed a bank got caught after taunting police on the internet for mistaken coverage of the incident.

North of Germany, the Danes are going to space! Note the headline Viking reference. Thanks WJW! One of those involved mentioned that he's tired of waiting for NASA and wants to go to space. Well, good for him. On the other hand, we HAVE NASA and are tired of waiting for it, that's why we have the X-prize. I watched a documentary about the X-prize once, I remember being impressed with Burt Rutan at the time.

I interrupt this blog post with a message informing you: Ducks wear dog masks (via Izismile.com)

Your mind has just been blown! You will never look at a mallard duck the same way again. Let me blow your mind once more. Well, now you know what a real nerd looks like.

Iraqi's don't want us to leave... at least 60% of them don't. That's what they get for voting for Barack Obama, rubes!

Freedom Flotilla targeting New England during Obama's stay? JWF doesn't expect the press to take to the story unless they can somehow blame Israel (which seems unlikely, but then again, the 9/11 Mosque controversy was also able to be blamed on Israel, and Hitler is also being blamed on the Jews).

Leave Britney Obama alone! I agree that Obama playing golf isn't a big deal, the guy needs his personal time. It's unfair, but it just sucks that it fits the opposition narrative of an out-of-touch big wig who'd rather play golf than check the gulf. I'd be more sympathetic if his staunch defenders who wallow in Obamapity weren't the same partisans attacking Bush for similar activities. It's all partisanship though, and it's dumb. To be honest, the only reason I linked to this post was so I could make fun of golf, because it's the lamest sport out there. Also, to quote Mark Twain, as a commenter on the post did, "Golf is a good walk spoiled." Amen.

While on the topic of golf, Tiger Woods Taiwanese animators are at the cutting edge of the new media. I've seen a bunch of their animations, and I don't get what the big deal is, but I love Taiwan and thus, enjoy stories of their success. My HTC Incredible phone (which is aptly named) is also made in Taiwan (HTC is a Taiwanese company). 

The craziest car crash I've ever seen on tape, and the incredible part is that the guy didn't die on impact; he's apparently hospitalized in critical condition.

Steven Colbert tweets: "Iran may have a new weapon, but there's a bright side: they have to acknowledge Israel exists before they can attack it." He's hilarious, and all politics aside, he walks the walk when it comes to supporting the troops. He went to Iraq to tape his show with them, and he's welcoming them home as well. Unlike Code "We support the troops but not the war" Pink, who then go act in ways that severely hurt the troops (sometimes mortally), Steven Colbert does support the troops. Good on him.

Before I leave you, I have an awesome picture of a Kingly patriot.

Porn in Baghdad, Gays in the GOP... Where Am I?

Last week's post containing the goat and the Japanese Navy was pretty popular. Unfortunately, as commenter MaxedOutMama mentioned, the goat-loving demographic is primarily made up of lower income males in terrorist cells, so there's not much room for blog growth with that subject being the focus, commercially speaking. She suggested I cater more towards the gay community, who oftentimes don't have any children, and thus, have more disposable income with which to invest in my blog. I can't wait to sell out! The New Republic, which was apparently around in 1912, has an article about Obama's failure to the gay community. C'mon, butt pirates, you know GOProud is gaining momentum, soon the right wing will be full of those sequins and feathers you love! For those of you who don't know, a group called GOProud is hosting a conference called Homocon for right wing ass spelunkers and carpet munchers. The headlining celeb? Anne Coulter! Figures they'd have the left wing's most hated tranny as their keynote speaker. So let's keep tabs now, Obama is right of Cheney, Ahnold and Laura Bush on this one. As for me, I don't think the state should be involved in marriage. They should grant civil unions to heterosexual and homosexual couples, and leave the marriage ceremonies and whatnot to the peoples' respective religions. I propose an amendment banning the institution of (state) marriage! If the gays want to watch eachother die, by G-d, let them into that hospital room!

SETI should look for AI rather than "organic" ETI. Article makes a lot of sense to me. Maybe the Mmrnmhrm really are out there... For any nerd old enough or nerdy enough to catch that reference, kudos to you. Spoilers at that link, but I don't think many of you are planning on playing through Star-Control 2 any time soon (though I recommend it!). If you are interested, you can download it for free here.

Last week I was reading some hype on Hotair about the FDA pulling a cancer medication called Avastin. Ed Morrissey was worried (and I believe rightly so) that Avastin lost it's FDA approval due to political/economic issues completely unrelated to the safety/utility of the drug. Having done no research on the drug myself (c'mon, that'd take effort), I kinda shrugged off his post and just assumed he was playing partisan politics. Today, however, I saw this in the dailymail: Anger as cancer drug that saves thousands is remains banned in UK. Before even looking, I knew the article would be about Avastin, as Ed's main point is that when the new healthcare overhaul comes into place, we're going to lose options because the government needs to stay within budgets. Avastin is expensive, and when the gov't is footing the bill, they won't be as generous with your treatments as say, I dunno, you might be, given the option. Sure enough, the UK won't approve the drug because it's too expensive for their nationalized healthcare system to afford. But it'll probably be different here, it's not like our government has massive debt or anything. Ok, snark aside, it'll be different here because our healthcare system is still nothing like the NHS in Britain, so let's not overblow things.

On the subject of debt, Glenn Reynolds posted an excellent chart today that I will post here, but his post is still worth reading (and it's short, don't be lazy).

Admission: I can't vouch for how accurate/factual that is, as I haven't done my due dilligence, but I will admit I was wrong and issue a correction if somebody will correct me. I'll also kneel and kiss the corrector's ring. Yeah Glenn, I'm pretty confident you wouldn't mislead me, don't squander that trust! Maybe we have so much debt now because we spend $578 million dollars on public schools in L.A...

I've been following a funny phenomenon on both Hotair and Instapundit, and I suspect other's follow it elsewhere too. Every month when new data on the economy is released, there seems to be some sort of bad news (unemployment up, real estate down, stocks down). Every time, without fail, the administration and the press (sometimes I can't tell the difference) will have a headline like, "Unemployment unexpectedly rises." I mean, it's really funny, because sometimes they will post the news on Hotair first, and Allah or Ed might write, "I wonder which news outlet say it this time." A few hours later, they'll post an update like, "Reuters: Unemployment Unexpectedly rises." Glenn and the Hotair guys both have made the point that maybe the administration/press should adjust their expectations at some point, because they keep being taken by surprise. This is so routine that I never bother writing about it, but today, Glenn posted a link to every time he's reported on it so you can see the archives going back a year every time some news outlet reported unexpected news. It's impressive to say the least. I searched the Hotair archives myself and they have even more, although some of the posts are unrelated to this phenomenon and just happen to contain that buzzword, "unexpected."

I know I'm late on this one, but still worth posting.

From a NYT editorial: “But many of Mr. DeLay’s actions remain legal only because lawmakers have chosen not to criminalize them.”

Wow, NYT, how perceptive you are. Eating chicken before noon, just like many of Mr. DeLay's actions, only remains legal because those lazybones in congress have chosen not to criminalize them... yet. I hold out hope that one day, nobody will eat chicken, and more importantly nobody will drink soda, before the hour of 12:00PM EST. And the NYT has only been able to legally operate as a newspaper because lawmakers have chosen not to criminalize them. Let's see if I can beat this horse any further... actually, let's not. There's plenty of reason to dislike Tom DeLay, and a wiser columnist might have said, "although Mr. DeLay's actions are legal, his ethics are certainly questionable." See, I'm a wiser columnist, now hire me NYT!

Moving on, NY Congressman Anthony Weiner used to look like Jennifer Grey. He put it up himself on twitter... the resemblence really is uncanny, I swear he looks like he's ready to make out with Charlie Sheen in a police station right about there.

Good thing I don't live in Tanzania: Man Jailed for Selling Albino To Witchdoctor. I guess it would be kind of cool to have a local witchdoctor though, I think they come in handy.

VICTORY IN IRAQ: Porn selling like hotcakes in Baghdad.

Avatard James Cameron is a gutless hypocrite. Sanctimonious, hypocritical, and now gutless. The guy challenges his ideological adversaries to a debate with some strong rhetoric, then changes all the rules (which his adversaries agree to) and then he backs out altogether. I'm surprised his opponents agreed to all his changes, as they got progressively more ridiculous 'til the debate was almost completely staged in a way that he couldn't look like a loser or an asshole. Maybe the confidence in his opponents to debate and win despite his draconian rules scared him? What a turd.

The annoying thing is that I totally agree with him that we should do our best to protect our planet and our resources. Articles like this one worry me a little, while others are so overblown that it has the opposite effect. The upside of a world without helium? No more rodents singing terrible annoying pop music.

Via Are We Lumberjacks, some funny pictures:

That first one had me rolling. Break.com also has a gallery of hot "gingers." I don't discriminate against women (unless they're ugly) based on color, creed, hair color, or really any other factor besides pure looks. Sometimes, if the looks are not there, but the willingness to do funky shit in bed is, I will withhold discrimination for these types of cases. Funky shit in bed can include anything from DVDA to an awesome meal complete with a beer and the TV remote control. Where was I? Oh yes, break calls them gingers, but it'd be more accurate to call them redheads since like, 50% of them are technically daywalkers and 25% of them are dyed.

Quick Sheik Update

From the Iron Sheik's twitter, in chronological order from early to recent:

"next generation of intelligent jew @stustone @pagemagen @DrColtCabana show me they love the business and they respect the legend"

"fuck the pakistan"

"I am hungry. I want the Shish kebob or the lady gaga"

"who watch jersey shore? I like the sex and fuck the Snookie. She little bitch she need man make her humble. gimme hell yeah"

"Snookie from the Jersey shore? do i fuck her ass or beat the fuck out of her? tell me"

"hello the @Sn00ki if you want to have good time, and be with the legend, I show you who the real champion is. Come to my house now"

The voice of a generation!

Your Penis in a What?

I've got an older sister, and I am proud that my older brother, myself, and my younger brother made her hit puberty later than she otherwise would have. If she had grown up any younger, I'd probably have entire blogposts devoted to how my nieces and nephews were dumpster babies at the 8th grade enchantment under the sea dance. Just kidding Brittany the Vikingess, we all know you would have kept those babies (for dinner).

I joined the Navy 2 years ago, and part of my contract involved a nice 16,000 dollar bonus. Sounds pretty kushy, does it not? Well yesterday I finally got this bonus in my bank account, and when I looked at the statement, I saw that I received only 10,800. Mr. Federal Taxman took 4,000, and NY state took 1,200. Those bastards! "If you drive a car I'll tax the street ~~ If you try to sit I'll tax your seat ~~ if you get too cold I'll tax the heat ~~ if you take a walk I'll tax your feat... cause I'm the taxman." One of my favorite Beatles songs, written by my favorite Beatle, George Harrison. I read on Beatles Rock band that George wrote that song after he got a check and 95% of the earnings went to the British government because he was in the highest tax-bracket, which had some sort of super tax. Thankfully, I didn't lose 95% of my bonus, but I'm still a little angry because some of my friends from better states like PA only lost 4,000 on federal and didn't have to pay state tax.

I remember joining two years ago, and I remember why I did it. Unfortunately, I was VERY misinformed on my options. I thought joining the U.S. Navy would be the perfect life decision, but I was off the mark by leagues (I think that's british for like, a mile). No, the perfect life decision would have been the Japanese Navy, and let me show you why (H/T: BFF Guiseppe Fratelli):

I was talking to my old college buddy and roommate Frodo, and he told me that he was looking for an appartment in Long Island City, Queens. He then IMed me and told me to search 48th ave and vernon blvd on google maps. Upon doing so, I was instructed to hit the satellite view and check the 3rd building west of the intersection. It took me a few seconds to see what he was talking about, but when I did, I thought it was awesome. I've saved you some time and effort by providing a link to you here, all you have to do is zoom in and look for the right place (you'll know it when you see it). I call it the beta male marriage proposal.

Also via Frodo, the reason our national bird is an eagle and not a turkey:

One last video from Frodo, which I'm not going to host because it's 7:00 long, but if you've got the time to spare I suggest you check it out. It's a video of RZA and GZA from the Wu-Tang Clan having coffee with Bill Murray. If you like Wu-Tang, GZA is coming out with a Wu-Tang documentary, and the trailer is hilarious (H/T: BFF Dreidel Bagelwicz).

From Frodo, a kindergarten exercise gone horribly wrong!

Note to my dumber readers who can't figure it out: it should say, "My in a is pen goat."

Kids say the darndest things, just ask Bill Cosby... this exercise underestimates the value of location. If the words are placed in the correct location, it's a nice, cute sentence. Screw with that, and you've got a 5 year old beastiality enthusiast. Location, Location, Location. It's important in the medical world too (H/T: Guiseppe Fratelli).

Smokey the bear is a hypocrite, because despite his repeated pleas against activities that could lead to forest fires, he continues to ignore his own enabling of his familial ties with marijuana farmers. We have learned that although Canadian Bears enjoy eating dog food, they do not actually make for good guard dogs. Canadian Bears Guard Pot Crop. Did they just like the dog food because they were high and had the munchies? That'd explain the lazy guard work.

Finally, with one more tip of the hat to Frodo, I present you with this next picture. Before I show you, I must say that Frodo told me that this should be our little secret, because it's one of his favorites, and he wants it to be like when you follow an indie band before it blows up and then it becomes popular and you know that you liked them before they were popular and what not. I'm going to show it anyway, because I'm not a dirty little hipster. Also, I told him that I don't get enough traffic to be mainstream, and thus, my blog is an indie blog. He said he'd write me up on that when I blow up, and say, "Yeah, I used to read Reed the Viking, but that was a long time ago." A long time ago, before I got all corporate... I warned him that I will totally go corporate and sell out if money ever gets offered to me, so I hope none of you will be let down by that. I would totally sell out. Please offer me money. Oh yeah, the picture... you know, with all this build up, you're probably not even going to like it anymore so fuck it, I'm not showing it...

Ok here it is:

Fads, Fartleks, and Chicks with Guns

Fads come and go. When my older siblings were in middle school, pacifiers were apparently a cool accessory to have. I remember pogs, lanyards, beanie babies, pokemanz, yo-yos (especially brains and fireballs), and other stupid crap. After reading this article in The Daily Mail, I feel blessed that my fads were so harmless. You'd think an 'internet craze' called 'the choking game' would sound like a bad idea, right? Then again, some of my best friends used to jump off their roof/balcony. Dr. Ago, you know I'm talking about your dumb 7th grade ass... but it did make for some good videos, if only we had youtube back then!

Bush was a divider, Obama is a uniter! All ages, races, colors and creeds come together to rant about the terrible traffic that paralyzed L.A. when Obama came in for a campaign fundraiser. I kinda feel bad for the guy, but some of the stuff from the article is pretty funny. If anything, it's more an indictment of L.A. residents than Obama. I mean, yeah, Obama could have done a better job, but these L.A. folks are calling for investigations, some are outright apologizing for ever having voted for the guy. I guess L.A. isn't known for being particularly fickle or anything... Poor guy just can't catch a break this week month year presidency. I see pictures of him now and he mostly just looks miserable, it's always sad to see a broken man. At least Bush looked like he was having fun while he was out ruining the country.

IBM carved a world map 1000 times smaller than a grain of sand. We can do that, but we can't find Bin Laden? We can carve a microscopic world map, but we can't give me robot legs? I call shenanigans!

When I was still a suckling babe (age 15), my family would get together with another family or two every once in a while, and we would play a game called Balderdash. It's a great game, and I haven't played it recently, but I'm sure it could be augmented by reckless consumption of alcohol. Anyway, the game goes like this: One person picks up a card with a word on it that nobody has ever heard of, and shows it to everybody. Everybody except the person who picked then writes their own "definition" to the word, and the picker writes the real definition (which is written on the back of the card). Then at the end of the turn, the picker collects all the definitions, mixes em up, and reads em aloud. The people then vote for which definition they thought is the real one. A fun example? Fartlek. Definition: A sub-tropical plant, the root of which has found many applications in skin products due to its richness in vitamin e. Ok, see I made that up, because going with a scatological joke would be too easy and thus, lame. The real definition is some running exercise or something, I don't really remember.

Where is this story going, you might ask me. Well, I distinctly remember that it was during a game of Balderdash that I learned the meaning of the word Schadenfreude (most of the adults at the table already knew the meaning, buncha smartasses...). Schadenfreude is simply definied as getting pleasure out of somebody else's pain. A cliche joke to make would be "only the Germans would come up with a word like that." Ok, so that was a long lead-up, but here's the point. Schadenfreude: Seneca Nation Calls on Bloomberg to Resign Over Racially Insensitive Remarks. Oh the delicious, delicious irony... suck on it nanny Bloomberg, suck on it. To be fair, I thought what he said was pretty damn funny, but that won't spare him any sympathy on my part. Hoisted with your own petard, whatever a petard is anyway.

Not all right-leaning people are racists, I've stressed that a bunch, but also, not all racists are right-leaning. Don't forget that some of the original advocates for abortion wanted to use it to stymy black baby-makin'... too bad the blacks fought back with Marvin Gaye and all that other awesome music that gets you in the mood and out of your clothes. Frederick Douglas was a libertarian, apparently. If you don't know who Frederick Douglas is, shame on you. If you don't know who Marvin Gaye is (and you're a woman of at least a 5 on the 1-10 hotness scale), let me introduce him to you sometime ;).

This guy is a complete and total winner. He nabbed it all, billionaire heiress, hot billionaire heiress, and the world's richest unibrow for a father in law. The downside is that he's married to Canadian inlaws... so is the trade-off really worth it?

I quoted an article the other day, the gist of which was that Americans are the most tolerant people in the world, most critical of their own perceived intolerant behavior, and the most lax on the intolerant behavior of the most intolerant people in the world. Jonah Goldberg strikes a similar chord in his post, "America, the Decent." Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT misread that as "descent" because 'Mrrrkah ain't goin' nowhere, and Goonies never say die! Meanwhile, heinous Nancy "The (Bo)Toxic Avenger" Pelosi suggests we investigate those who oppose the mosque. She must not be very familiar with that whole first amendment thing that she's claiming to champion. My dad always told me that the first rule of holes is, "When you're in one, quit digging." So obviously, as logic would dictate, Ms. Avenger would stop digging and get herself out of that hole, right? The Botoxic Avenger doubles down. I can understand where she went wrong; KFC has been doing great with their revolutionary double down, why shouldn't it work for her? Answer: Because when she doubled down, there was a conspicuous lack of bacon and cheese.

Legislators in D.C. scared of a bunch of girls! How are we supposed to go head to head with threatening world players like NoKo and Iran if the beltway is full of pansies afraid of moms holding glocks. Now, to finish my post in the best way possible, I will honor these beautiful gun toting milfs with some nice pictures. Mmmmmm. G-d Bless America!