Reed the Viking

The Goblin Shark: Scariest Terrizt Evah

Aliens exist, and no, I'm not talking about the ones living in Arizona *cue laugh track*. Thank you, thank you, I just flew in from San Francisco and BOY are my arms tired! LOL! I crack myself up sometimes. But seriously, aliens exist, and they're living right here on planet earth. Don't believe me? Watch this video of the rare and elusive Goblin Shark.

Let's run the checklist of terror:

1. Shark? Check
2. Razor sharp teeth? Check
3. Lurks in the murky depths where man cannot see it? Check
4. Has a detachable jaw to catch clever fish who thought they got away? Check
5. Wants to implement Sharia law in the United States? Check

This thing is a goddamn terrizt. It's stranger looking than Rosie O'Donnell with her pants down. Having a jaw that can move like that should be illegal (unless you're my girlfriend sans razor sharp teeth). So we have discovered aliens here on earth, maybe that's why NASA has a new mission that's unrelated to space. I'm not sure if it's gotten much press (actually, I am sure and I know that it hasn't), or how much it has become common knowledge at this point, but for those who don't know what I'm talking about, NASA administrator Charles Bolden gave an interview to Al-Jazeera about the new direction NASA was headed. I'd read the whole article yourself; it'll make your jaw drop like a Goblin Shark, but I'll still quote the juicy part.

"When I became the NASA administrator, [Obama] charged me with three things," NASA head Charles Bolden said in a recent interview with the Middle Eastern news network al-Jazeera. "One, he wanted me to help re-inspire children to want to get into science and math; he wanted me to expand our international relationships; and third, and perhaps foremost, he wanted me to find a way to reach out to the Muslim world and engage much more with dominantly Muslim nations to help them feel good about their historic contribution to science, math, and engineering."

Bold placed there by me for emphasis. I really thought it was a fucking joke when I first read it, but that's just naive of me. I shouldn't be surprised by this when it's completely consistent with almost everything else Obama does. I hope that NASA remembers to sing koombayah while they are stroking that collective Muslim wang, and make sure you don't use too much teeth, because god knows that a toothy blowjob is no better than a woman without a kitchen. How did this administration turn a space agency, one of the coolest sounding bureaucracies known to man, into a place with less balls than the woman's studies department at Sarah Lawrence College. NASA, I'd say you're now as gay as AIDS, but you're gayer... you're as gay as GRIDS.

Outreach to the Muslim world is a good thing, I think, it just shouldn't be NASAs mission. What this article at The New Republic claims is going on (which I too believe to be the case) is NOT a good way to reach out to Islam. I still believe that political correctness is one of the greatest dangers to our republic, and I find this article to be a compelling piece that on some level confirms my fears. While on the subject of terrizm and Islam, here's an update on the Times Square Fucker... he's a pussy! C'mon bro, what kind of terrizt backs out from martyrdom? Part of me thinks his heart wasn't really in it, and that he only attempted to blow up Times Square because he was afraid that his mentors in Pakistan would harm his family... Oh shit, I just realized something... The Times Square Bomber is Draco Malfoy!

When I searched for Draco Malfoy to make that picture, this terrible picture showed up and I thought it would be funny to share it with you all. I wish I was good at photoshop, so I could've actually made the Draco/Bomber picture look a little bit professional. Well, I'm sorry if I ruined your taste for Harry Potter, I know I'll be seeing Number 7 Part 1 when it comes out this fall!

On the delicious killer food front, I've got TWO new entries to display today. One is the bacon burger, which is not what you think it is (which I'd assume would be a burger with bacon on top). No, it's a burger made out of bacon, a pure bacon patty. I bet it's delicious. Number two, which is less impressive but still pretty cool is the new addition to Carl's Jr.s menu:  The Footlong Cheeseburger. I say it's not impressive because it's not as much of a wild-card now that they're just copying the KFC approach to shocking foods. It's also not that impressive because the footlong cheeseburger wedge has been done before, most famously and deliciously by Pat's Hubba Hubba (colloquially known to myself and other regulars as just "Pats" or "Hubbas"). While it's not an impressive move, I applaud Carl's Jr. for jumping into the game, and I hope they encourage other fast food chains to hop on the bandwagon and come out with all sorts of crazy killer shit.

More on the Tea Party - NAACP fallout:

• Tea Party says, "Grow up," which of course is racist because it's a slight at the fact that black people age very nicely and often look younger than their age (Gary Coleman, case in point).
• Countless (well, you can count 'em, but I'm not going to because there are too many... err, not too many black people, I just meant too many postings!) black tea partiers coming to the defense of the Tea Party at Andrew Breitbart's Big Government website. I don't expect you to read them all... in fact, I've only read like one and then I got bored, but the point is, the Tea Party isn't racist or something, can't you see they have black people?!
• And of course, saving the best for last, the Instaprophet with his never fail line: "They told me if I voted for John McCain, the NAACP would be praising Klansmen and attacking black tea partiers on racial grounds. Oh, hell, who am I kidding? Nobody would have been crazy enough to predict that."

Good stuff Glenn, good stuff. Who's the real racist, an organization about one of the most healthy drinks on the planet, or an organization that cares about "Colored People." Racists! Holocaust Deniers!

Hey Whoopie, is Mel Gibson a misogynist? Well, he's probably not a misogynist-misogynist, because you see, he has many women friends and loves them dearly. Mel says, “I deserve to be blown first! Before the f*cking Jacuzzi! Ok, I’ll burn the goddamn house up, but blow me first! How dare you!??!” Is it wrong that I find that hilarious? Sounds like he's got his priorities right. I know I ain't leavin' the house without a nice beej, that's for sure.

Change I can believe in! Sounds like a pretty good way to reduce emissions, I hope it's as good as they make it sound.

Whoopie Goldberg is an Idiot

Ok, so yesterday when I said the future had arrived, I think I might have jumped the gun a little bit... the future, my friends, truly has arrived! Yes, that really is video of a robot fetching a beer for it's human master. One more step towards the obsolescence of the female variety of human, but until they have a real life-like sexbot replica of Kate Beckinsale or Megan Fox, I suppose you ladies are safe and relevant for the time being.

The people of walmart is a pretty funny site to waste time on, and it never gets old, but I think I have a new favorite: Lesbians who look like Justin Bieber. I had never heard of JBiebz til recently, when his song was playing and a friend noted that they didn't like him. I was shocked that the person singing in the song was a male, and promptly added him to the list of terrible musical acts that have lead singers that sound like females (Rush, Styx, Heart). Kidding of course, I know Heart IS girls.

Whoopie Goldberg is an idiot... Mel Gibson is a racist anti-semite, which is a shame because Braveheart and Mad Max are such awesome movies, but it doesn't make him not a racist anti-semite. Whoopie says Mel isn't a racist-racist, just like when she said Roman Polanski didn't commit rape-rape. Well Whoopie, if drugging, champagning and forcing a 13-year old to have anal sex with you isn't awesome rape, I don't know what would qualify. And if saying to your girlfriend that she's going to be raped by "a pack of fucking niggers" like Mel did isn't racist, I can't even begin to think of what could be considered racist (Oh wait, science-themed graduation cards and the Tea Party obviously come to mind as racist). I'm sad to see the NAACP float off into retardiculous obscurity, but I guess all good things must come to an end someday.

Headline of the year?

Such a good idea, I'm disappointed I didn't think of it. The practice is called Flashblood, and it involves one heroin addict who's down on luck and out of cash and smack injecting the blood of a doped up friend to get a little bit of a residual high. Now I know what you're thinking - "Reed, isn't that dangerous?"  Sure, but so is driving an automobile. I think this could practice could be somewhat of a solution for Bella and Edward even, they could totally just hook Ed up with some flashblood when he gets hungry without fear of hurting his love and without having to resort to vegetarianism. Yeah, I went there... But in all seriousness, I think this flashblood phenomenon is a great way for somebody to say, "Hey, I want AIDS, but I don't want to be intimate with you." Somebody should make that into an E-card, pronto.

If you've got 10 minutes to spare, I'd recommend watching the 100 Greatest Movie Insults of All Time. A bunch of classics, and lots of hilarity. I recognized probably 85% of the films featured, but it's still a fun watch. My personal favorites? "You're a cantaloupe." - Christopher Walken "You're a cunt, you're a cunt now and you've always been a cunt. The only thing that's going to change is you're going to be an even bigger cunt... maybe have some more cunt kids" - Brendan Gleeson, and "You [pointing], you're ok. This one [pointing at the old woman], real fuckin' ugly" - Kurt Russell.

NYT Profiles my favorite Governor, Chris "Fat Boy" Christie. Decent article, especially for those unacquainted with the big guy from Jersey. Step back Bruce Springsteen, cause this guy is truly "The Boss." I imagine that watching video clips of Christie speak makes me feel how I suppose many supporters of The One felt when he used to speak down from Mount Olympus. He speaks my language, and he makes simple, clear-cut points that are lost on nobody. All he needs to do is embrace pot legalization and a drinking age at 18 and he'd be damn near perfect. I guess that'd be political suicide for him though, especially given that social issues aren't the divider that they once were.

As a chinese-speaker, I'd be remiss if I didn't point you all towards this hilarious video of parking in Beijing. Watch til the end, it's pretty much awesome.

RIP George Steinbrenner...The Yanks were great under your watch, and I hope they will continue down the great path that you helped to keep them on. Now my biggest concern regards who Costanza will work for when Seinfeld inevitably returns to TV...

I'm Back!

So after over two weeks of vacation, I'm finally back to work and settled in at my new home in Hawaii. But enough about me, let's get to some brogging (that's Chinese for Blogging). So let me jump right back into it... for the good news: Proof that G-d exists. Prepackaged Lasagna sandwiches, could anybody ever ask for more? I love how the basis of comparison for how terrible awesome this sandwich is, is that it rivals even the most fatty American treats... I'm glad we're the standard for deadly food (here is where I insert a plug for my favorite food-porn website: TIWYF). Speaking of deadly yet awesome food, Hawaii has a local delicacy called the Loco-Moco that I have yet to try, but I greatly anticipate eating one. It's a hamburger patty served on rice, topped with eggs over easy and gravy.

Loco Moco-y goodness.

The future is here: Invisible mouse for computers. I welcome all sorts of computer-sciency progress, but I wonder if this invention will do anything to cure what I have dubbed the "Cold Hand Phenomenon." What is the CHP, you might ask? Well, normally, when gaming, surfing the web, or beating off to some insane fetish porn, one hand is often on the mouse and the other is often on the keyboard (when not on the nards). In the winter or in an overly air-conditioned room (save energy for Gaia!), one of your hands gets cold, and it's always the one on the mouse. Nobody knows why it's colder (somebody probably does), but it is, and it's annoying and unavoidable. I could go into more graphic detail about the cold hand, but I'll spare you all for now (Hint: the cold hand is the one that doesn't need to be washed after a quick viewing of 2girls1cup). I guess I didn't spare you, sucka!

Well, as I just proved, the future is coming sorta (it'll really be here when the cold-hand gets fixed), but are we sure that's such a good thing? The future is scary, what with global warming, the depletion of the O-Zone layer, the creation of super-bacteria, the population explosion, Iran with nukes, Kanye West doing something funny on live TV... the past just seems so much safer. To which I refer you to one of the best articles I've read in a while that really puts it in perspective, with a hat tip to the Dad. Via the HuffPo, Matt Ridley tells us to go Down with the Doom. We survived lots of shit before, and we'll certainly survive one Barack Obama presidency, so quit freaking out, racists (we survived Carter, right?).

Newsflash (to those who haven't been thinking critically for the past 50 years): Sorry Asians, you're not the right type of minority, and you don't count towards diversity. Nothing new to see here, just making sure you know that affirmative action works against you, good luck on your SATs. My advice to you is to learn how to do something unique (not unicycling, that's just gay) but useful, like inventing a tree made from money.

During my leave time, I had some great conversations about the most 'Mrrrkin guy in the world, who ironically was born in Ireland... yes, you already know who I'm speaking of: Liam Neeson aka Schindler, aka Taken aka Qui Gon Jin aka Aslan aka Ras Al-Ghul. His greatness needs no explanation; I once proclaimed that having sex with Liam Neeson isn't gay, THAT's how great he is. Taken was an awesome movie about beating up, torturing and maybe killing Arabs, Albanians, and the French all in the name of protecting your daughter's delicate, untouched flower. With a premise like that, you can't go wrong, right? Well the instaprophet linked to an old post about Taken today called "Taken: The World's Oldest Profession is Father." The article is pretty "meh" but the title reminded me of that episode of How I Met Your Mother when Barney posits that prostitution is the oldest profession. I figured, any link that can give me an excuse to talk about how much I love Taken and at the same time provide an opportunity to link that scene from HIMYM is a link worth linking to.

Lawyered! Well that'll do it for me today, but I'm back for good until further notice, so I hope you all come back to reading what I write and hopefully you enjoy it too (but if you don't, read it anyway because I like the traffic).