Reed the Viking

If Losing is the New Winning, is it Now a Compliment to be Called a Loser?

Remember that video I posted of the drunk mexican guy going crazy dancing at the quinceañera a few weeks ago? To match him, I have posted a video of the worlds craziest drummer via Hotair.

My god, that is awesome. 

My BFF Guiseppe Fratelli sent me this little bit of food porn detailing (with pictures of course) NYC's 101 best sandwiches. That'll make you hungry, regardless of how full you think you might be.

This, on the other hand, will make you sick. Twelves bags of heroin in the vag? That's amateur work, babies come out of there, and I know when I was born, I was well bigger than twelve baggies of heroin, and a lot more fun (the last part is debatable). No, this guy is more impressive than that woman, especially due to the odd shape and eclectic nature of his baggage. I'll just give you the headline: Police astonished by rectal capacity of prison smuggler.

Best internet rumor evah: Obama in the video for "Whoomp there it is"? I don't think it's him, but still pretty hilarious, and as one commenter I read put it, it's better than the sekrit muslim farce.

Beer goggles' existence confirmed... but do they exist in drunk Australian parrots?

Coolest useless shit ever, via the dad: LEGO Printer... yeah they can pretty much do anything, video inside the link. It's awesome, I definitely advise checking it out.

Via Allahpundit, literally the gayest McDonalds ad ever (it's French, no wonder).

Roundup of least surprising stories of the day:

• The cast of Jersey Shore all has herpes.
• Reuters practices fauxtography because they hate the joooooz. It's not like they've ever done something like that before...
• PC British bureaucraps reluctant to look into 7/7 bombings out of fear of offending muslims.
• Confirmed: Asshole who stole billions of dollars with his ponzi scheme is an asshole. (h/t: Hotair)
• More homegrown terrizts trying to go to Somalia to learn how to get their 72 raisins.
• Founder of Ground Zero Mosque not really all that interested in healing and cultural sensitivity.
• 140 Chinese Muslims in Xinjiang get shot up by cops, media silence. Nine violent, anti-semitic barbarian fucktards peace activists shot during the course of legal military action by evil joos causes outrage.

Instapundit follows up on the story of an off-duty Maryland cop who shot an unarmed Marine 13 times. This already despicable story continues being despicable. Money quote from Glenn: "And yet people worry about private citizens with guns. At least private citizens don't get an official coverup when they shoot someone."

Losing is the New Winning

Makes sense that this happened in Canada. Mercy rule isn't merciful enough, now if you win by too much, you're a loser! Lose by too much, you're a winner! Self-esteem, rainbows and butterflies, pat yourself on the back for the great job you did there, tiger. I wish that's how sports worked when I was in little league, I think I would have won a lot more. The always excellent Zombie writes an excellent article that is related to the "Losing is the New Winning" theme, and mentions the Canadian sports decision. His/her humorous musing in regard to the Ottawa little league rule: "eventually the league could devolve into a frenzy of 'suicide soccer' as teams try to rack up as many points for the opponents as they can, seeking to  'win' by losing by more than five goals." It reminds me of that episode of South Park where the kids all don't want to play summer league baseball, so they try to lose every game, but end up winning because the other teams were better at losing. That also happens to be the episode in which Randy goes around yelling, "I thought this was America!" Which of course makes it a classic. The article is certainly worth a read, and has a video inside which is definitely worth the watch. Just for the sake of coming full circle, one could claim that the people on the Jersey Shore have gotten rich by being losers... but don't you dare say that about my Snookie!

 

My dad also wrote about losing being the new winning in NY standardized tests. Part one shows pictures of the grading process that literally grants half credit to shit like "2+2=4" for the virtue of a student "showing his work." My dad's a little bit heavy handed with his analysis, even for a psychiatrist ("It is hard not to believe that the stupefaction... of a large cohort of our young by their idiotic educators is not part of a nefarious plot to destroy America.  When you realize that much of our pedagogy is designed by people like Bill Ayres, such a seemingly paranoid position becomes less obviously bizarre.  If it is not designed to destroy America, it is hard to think of anything that would do the job more effectively." Really dad? Really?), but still a good read. Part two pretty much sums up my feelings about the situation at many American institutions of higher education. I realized many of the humanities courses are a giant load of shit, and that's why I took them; to avoid doing any serious hard work and to maximize my drinking time.

Wanted: Alligator Shirt with Mouth Flap

Of all the retarded habits I inherited from my father, the most interesting by far is my habit regarding disposable razor cartridges. You see, my dad read some sci-fi book where aliens come to earth and are deciding whether or not to uplift us and teach us all the cool stuff that they know. Ultimately, they decide that we can't be trusted because we prematurely throw out our disposable razor cartridges. To show his dedication in the pursuit of being uplifted by super awesome aliens, my dad refuses to throw out his disposable razors until it cuts him to the point of drawing blood. When he taught me how to shave my face, beardlessness notwithstanding, I also took on this stupid habit. I suggest it to anybody who doesn't mind the sight of blood, as it can help us be accepted by aliens, it can help you save money on new cartridges, and it's better for the environment since you're cutting waste.

When I was young, I had an awesome alligator t-shirt that I insisted on wearing to even the most formal occasions (my cousins will never let me live it down). In my defense, I was only three years old, I probably couldn't even drink and drive back then. The shirt was super cool though, because you could lift the alligator's mouth and see his teeth and mouth! I found a picture of me wearing it as a little kid, but to protect the secret identity of myself and my compatriot, I have added a layer of disguise. Why am I writing about this? Because I want one of those shirts to wear now, and hopefully somebody can help me find it! If you can help me, leave a message in the comments please.

 

Finally, I was going to update the blog with this piece of news last night but it was too late. Most hated man in America makes worst baseball call evah! If you haven't seen this yet, I suggest putting on a steel jock strap, because this video will make you so mad you'll want to punch yourself in the junk. Jim Joyce has incited the wrath of former professional wrestler, the Iron Sheik. My old friend Guiseppe Fratelli linked the Iron Sheik's twitter to me, and I am happy to share with you all some of his more intelligent commentary about the botched call:

"jim joyce is worse than low life motherfucker mario lopez. he have no dick and no balls i fuck his ass make him humble"

"jim joyce you make people not happy. i see you i beat the fuck out of you break your back and fuck your ass make you humble"

"hulk hogan use the medicine for the body- he fag he gay i can break his leg and fuck his ass"

For your viewing pleasure I have added video of his most coherent speech regarding this sensitive issue of national importance.

Well said, Sheik, that's pretty much exactly how I feel.

Government Waste, "Freedom Flotilla", and Nuke the Gulf (of Mexico)

A Story about Government Waste (Pun Intended, HAH HAH!)

One day, government contractors came to my place of work to fix the bathroom that I didn't realize was broken.  I'm not a plumber, so I'm not sure if the weeks of work they spent on the bathroom would have been completed earlier by a private sector firm in a non-government contract situation, but that's not the direction this story is going in. They accommodated us with Port-o-Potties, which I am morally opposed to using when it comes to movements bowel in nature (shitting). One day, the situation would have it that I was given a longer than usual work break, and seeing that I needed to go numero dos, I was relieved that I had the time to walk over to a nearby building and enjoy the convenience of their bathroom facilities. Upon getting there, I learned that the mens bathroom had but one stall, which I learned upon knocking, was currently occupied. "No biggie", I thought, "I can wait it out." So I sat down in the lobby and started reading the news on my phone.

Fifteen minutes have now gone by, and I'm feeling a sense of urgency in the hinterlands of the United States of Reed. "Hmm, better go check to see if it's empty," said the Zach Braff-esque but less homosexual voiceover in my head. I discovered that the stall was still full, and being the non-confrontational (mostly out of fear that a General or some asshole NCO could be behind that door) sailor that I am, I started to tread back to the lobby. I considered going to the Port-O-Potty and trying the gargoyle/hover technique, but I felt that each step I took was like a turn of Jenga, and sitting still would probably be the best strategy until the bathroom was liberated. Now, normally I'd just let loose in the pantaloons, but that day I happened to be wearing my dress whites, and I didn't want to get called out for having a dirty uniform.

But I digress... Eventually, after a full 30 minutes of waiting, some asshole civilian government worker emerged with a fucking novel in his hand. He looked like a slob, altogether fat, messy, and lazy. He knew somebody was waiting for the bathroom, as I had gone in twice and knocked. He not only wasted 30 minutes of his time at work, but also mine. To be honest, this is not even close to being one of the most obvious examples of our bloated bureaucratic system and it's inefficiencies, just the one that is most intimate to me. Also, what fun would it be to write a blog post about how I had to fill out paperwork to buy a meal, the paperwork got lost, but I photocopied 3 versions of it to show proof of purchase, thus wasting paper and time whilst accomplishing nothing in particular? No fun at all! 

The problems with our government bureaucracy are much more serious than my stupid bathroom story, but other people have already written about that, so I'll leave that work to them. Powerline's John Hinderaker breaks it down in his post, "Two Americas." It has a graph and everything for those of you who don't do the whole "reading thing." Choice quote:

"There are, indeed, two Americas: the increasingly straitened world of the private sector, where jobs are competitive, money is scarce, and job security is, for many, nonexistent; and the lush world of the government employee, where competition is more or less unknown, salaries and benefits often double those available to private workers, retirement is ten or more years earlier than in the private sector, and it may take a felony to get fired. This is the central economic conflict of our time, between lavishly compensated and ever more gluttonous government employees, and wealth-creating private citizens who are increasingly unable to support their public-sector masters in the style to which they have become accustomed."

As summed up by me, the issue is that the private sector actually creates the wealth that our country has, while government jobs are often just jobs for the sake of jobs. People getting paid not to create, but just to exist, to buff up our employment statistics. Apparently, the U.S. used bureaucracy to defeat the Nazis... who is using bureaucracy to bring down us?

AP doesn't know the difference between "government" and "big government." With such competence in reporting, I'm truly surprised as to how the newspaper industry is failing...

Tom Maguire notes that at least some reporters are starting to wise up to reality. What's so incredulous is not that this asshat (WaPo's Richard Cohen) didn't realize that criminals commit crimes (uh, duh?), but rather his admission that his realization of this fact is bad news for liberals. The quote:

"those disposed to attribute criminality to poverty -- my view at one time -- have some strenuous rethinking to do. It could be, as conservatives have insisted all along, that crime is committed by criminals. For liberals, this is bad news indeed."

Israeli Flotilla

I'm going to quickly revisit the Israel flotilla incident as details and reports pop up. Roundup of links worth a glance or two:

Jihadis on board the ship, surprise surprise. 

Netanyahu speaks... also, some numbers about the "humanitarian crisis" in Gaza (the scare quotes are there to tell you that there's no real humanitarian crisis in Gaza, at least, not the same crisis that all those buttfucking terrizts and sympathizers are whining about). Most important info: Gaza is so full of supplies that the saturated market is lowering prices. Furthermore, Hamas refused the humanitarian aid shipment when Israel tried to deliver it... some crisis.

The facts are on Israel's side, says Marty Peretz. Too bad perception is reality, and the whole world will continue to screech about Israel's Nazi-Apartheid-George Bush-Darth Vader-Sauron-Baby Murdering regime. Yes, Marty, I realize that the boat was full of terrizts who even shot live guns at the Israeli troops. Yes I realize that these terrizts wrote wills and planned to martyr themselves on this voyage. 

Joe Biden, who I've always loved not as a politician, but as a person (he can't hold his tongue, he says some funny shit), stands up for Israel with some strong words. Good shit, Joe, I'm just disappointed you didn't throw any F-bombs in there.

Miscellany

Frank J said Nuke the Moon back in 2002, in order to achieve world peace. 2010 Update: Nuke the Oil Spill! Apparently the Russians have been doing it for years.

Yahoo on why you should date a military man. If not for self-interest, I'd correct them and write an accurate article, but you know, self-interest... Date a military man, have double D's, be down for a 3-way and help save 'Mrrrkah. And for best results, make sure it is me that you date and 3-way with.

NBC's resident conservative: "LEAVE OBAMA ALONE!" (h/t: Hotair) Yes, David Brooks tells James Carville to be softer on Obama... you can't make this shit up.

Lou Reed, former member of the Velvet Underground who took his surname as tribute to me, is having a concert for dogs (h/t: Hotair). That's really a walk on the wild side, Lou... let me rephrase, that's fucking stupid, Lou. On the other hand, it conjures up warm memories of Derek Zoolander asking the question that would come to represent a generation, "What is this, a school for ants?" Yes, first we had a school for ants and now we have concerts for dogs. Progress!

Rocky Gives the Best Abortions

At 8:32AM PST this morning, I received two texts from my sister: "I've just coined a term based on 2 pot smokin long haired old hippies I just saw driving a BMW convertable," reads the first one. "And I think it applies to many other people, especially in NY, San Fran and Al Gore: Hippycrite." Hilarious, I'm ashamed I didn't think of it first, as I have a long history of making up great words (example: Anthetic; Hub; Business Casual). Little did I know at the time that I would have a great opportunity to use her text as a segue into a blogpost! Today's prime hippycrite (unsurprisingly) is our dear Madam Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, with the awesome headline from Ed Morrissey: "We need partial birth abortions for Jesus, or something." Money quote:

"When conservatives talk about religious values informing public policy goals, the Left shrieks about the separation of church and state and usually refers to the Right as an American Taliban. Pelosi will get a pass, however, because she uses the religious language to argue for their pet causes. It’s a good idea to capture this moment anyway, for the next time someone argues that “Christianists” are attempting a theocratic takeover of America." 

Damned theocrats! Let the record show that I am firmly in support of the separation of church and state, generally oppose those who try to legislate morality, and I'm simply pointing out the double standard. When I say I oppose those who would legislate morality, I don't mean that I oppose religious people per say, only those who would legislate based on their religious moral codes (another reason to <3 Chris Christie). Also let the record show that while I'm pro-choice, partial-birth abortions are disgusting. It could easily be avoided by simply throwing the relevant pregnant woman down a long flight of stairs; famous example of this strategy shown below:

 

While still vaguely on the topic of Ed Morrissey and brilliant headlines: "AQ's #3 Applies for his 72 Virgins." Ed was on a roll today, and that literally made me bust out laughing. It was the first I had heard of news that we got AQ's #3 man, so I hoped to provide a funny way to break the news to those who haven't yet heard about this. Ed's colleague Allahpundit also provided a bit of laughter for me, albeit not straight off the bat with his headline. Money quote:

"Is the world’s submersibles industry so bereft of talent that James Cameron is the go-to guy when a national crisis in the deep sea erupts? This is like NASA announcing that they’ve detected a killer asteroid on course for Earth and Obama immediately dialing up Michael Bay."

Allah never fails to amuse, and he hit the nail right on the head there with that one. James Cameron being a big fag and taking himself super serially is one thing, but the fact that our government takes him super serial is a little frightening. Next thing you know, they're calling in Dog the Bounty Hunter to take out Bin Laden. Hmm... not a bad idea, good job Reed!

American liberal bloggers Ezra Klein and Matt Yglesias are either divorced from reality or willfully ignorant: China's forced relocation projects are totally sweet (h/t: Instaglenn). Since I tend to know a little bit about China, I felt compelled to respond to this. The article mentions the millions of Beijingers forced to move for the olympics (typical Chinese stage management), but doesn't even hit the tip of the iceberg. Millions more were forced to move from their homes to accommodate the Three Gorges Dam project, in some cases without any sort of compensation at all (including funds which were embezzled by local officials, according to wiki). This must be the sort of progress for which Tom Friedman incessantly lauds China. Never heard of the tyranny of the majority I guess. We're not talking about eminent domain here, we're talking millions of people being displaced. Useful idiots...

I mentioned the Israeli flotilla incident a little bit yesterday, and have been reading about it for the better part of the day. My take is that the Israeli troops were justified in self-defense when it got to that point, but that it never should have gotten there in the first place. Israel should have known better than to fall into that PR trap, and now they will suffer for it. Big kudos to Obama and the U.S. representatives in the U.N. for standing up for Israel though, they seemed to divert a disastrous U.N. resolution that would have further isolated Israel in the international community and opened the floodgates for more anti-semitism and hate. This article via George Friedman is my choice of reading material for anybody who wants to look into this matter.

Also related, Professor Jacobson of Cornell Law proposed, "How about a convoy to Turkey?" He states:

"Turkey has repressed its large Kurdish minority, which seeks a nation of its own, and has threatened to invade Iraqi Kurdistan if it gained too much autonomy. Turkey, in turn, has been subjected to attacks from Kurdish separatist groups, and has responded harshly. The attacks on Turkey pale in comparison to attacks against Israel. Unlike Israel, the survival of Turkey and Turks is not threatened... Since Turkey now has thrust itself into the forefront of making sure Hamas can be resupplied by Iran from the sea, I presume Turkey will open its borders to shipments to Kurdish separatist groups, without inspecting those shipments for weapons."

Point well taken Professor, unfortunately logic and reason don't come into play when any Israeli conflict pops up. As we often say in the military, perception is reality; Israeli never gets credit for exercising restraint, and should have anticipated the headlines that would result from this incident. The situation should have been handled much better (before the idea to send the troops on board with paintball guns was put into action). Those on the flotilla were ready to provoke the response, and they got the headlines that they wanted; ultimately, it doesn't matter whether Israel was right or wrong.

Now for the roundup of the miscellaneous... Guatemalans are going to hell! I guess that would make Mexico hell's sphincter, the portal through which people must cross to get out of hell and into the U.S. Maybe this analogy isn't very good, so now for something completely different.

Take THAT, Airbud, you little bitch (or was he male, I don't remember). Lassie, suck it, there's a new big dog in town. Watch the video to have your mind blown by the world's coolest dog.