Reed the Viking

Mid-Vacation Update

It's been about a week since I last posted; I'm home on leave and enjoying my vacation. It's been difficult to blog while busily running around, and I am enjoying my time to relax a bit. I may post updates this week, but I will be back to my daily blogging routine in another week.

Commentary magazine's John Steele Gordon asks, "What's more important, the Environment or the Environmentalists?" Being a lower-case environmentalist myself, I tend to go with the Environment. If the Environmentalists were serious about clean energy, they wouldn't oppose the construction of nuclear power plants, arguably the cleanest source of energy out there. Japan and France have been building them over the years, but we haven't had a new one since the 70's I think (somebody fact check me on this, I'm pulling it out of memory). Part of the reason this gulf spill is so bad is because we're drilling thousands of feet under water, making the operation and oversight of the drilling much more difficult to manage. Why are we drilling in such deep water? Because "Environmentalists" blocked the much safer, more reliable drilling in the Pacific ocean and in Alaska. We are not going to ween ourselves off oil overnight; it'd be prudent to be realistic about things instead of positioning ourselves so that our only drilling option is a Deepwater Horizon type scenario. Read the article though, what I just wrote is largely unrelated to the content of the article, which basically details how federal bureaucracy and counter-produtive regulatory measures are hindering clean-up efforts in the gulf. It's pretty short, definitely worth the minute of your time.

Justice! Lying mother jailed after making up nightclub rape claim. False rape claims ruin the lives and careers of the men affected by them. The men are often presumed guilty until proven innocent, and as in the Duke lacrosse rape case, their lives are tainted forever (still waiting for the faculty who came out against those guys to apologize). In the military you hear all sorts of horror stories about false rape claims ruining careers, which is why I'm very careful not to rape anybody who knows my name, voice, or what I look like with a ski mask on. Also, pre-coitus I require a signed letter of consent with a copy of the woman's driver's license (or passport if she's a forner) detailing exactly what is ok to do. Thanks, Dave Chappelle for the great idea.

On the subject of justice, here's a look at the Obama Department of Justice, written by an employee of the DoJ voting rights section. The New Black Panthers voter fraud story might be new to a lot of you, but it's been around for over a year now and this guy has some real insight behind the motivations and ideology of some of the lawyers in our DoJ. What's going on is a sad mockery of our civil rights laws, and quite frankly this is something that should concern us.

As an unrepentant carnivore, this video my dad sent me made me lose my shit. I completely agree with British Al Gore, but I think the video would be even funnier if there wasn't an annoying laugh track.

Shocker: The Mainstream Media doesn't understand conservatives. At least they admit it, sort of.

If you don't agree with left-wing politics, you can't be a real black person hispanic homosexual poor person crab-people feminist. I hate to beat a dead horse, but here's a "feminist" literally proclaiming that sentiment. It's not news to me that they think this way, but I just like to remind people every once and a while.

Saving the best for last, a sad but excellent article about anti-semitism in world opinion and the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. It's about more than just a conflict though, and I urge you all to read it because its content applies not only to Jews, but also affects the entirety of the Western World. Once upon a time (and not that long ago) there was a lot of Jews in places like Iraq, Iran (all the Persian Jews moved to Great Neck, Long Island), Morocco, Afghanistan and the list goes on.

Beer: A Healthy Alternative to Milk

So I've been MIA for a few days, busy with moving and running around various airports trying to get home to New York on vacation. It's pretty great being here, although I am a little upset at the moment, since my mother played a devious trick on me. Everybody is out at work, and lil Reed is all home alone and must feed himself. Well, I've been feeding myself for a few years here, so it's not an issue, but now I have to feed myself with somebody else's groceries, and therein lies the problem. Imagine how excited you are, coming home to a full fridge, and inside is a pound of pastrami... Best day evah, right? And on top of that, consider that you've been eating the load of crap that passes for "deli" food out in California for the last two years; you're even more excited! So you get out the bread and open up the pastrami, practically drooling like a stroke-victim and inside the package, it's fucking TURKEY pastrami? Mom, you sick terrizt, if you're reading this, I want you to know just how unacceptable that is to me. Dinner tonight better be awesome!

 So last post I wrote about Gary Faulkner, the Colorado man who went to Pakistan to find Bin Laden... how close did he actually get? Pretty close if you take Time Magazine or his brother's word on it. 8 year old boys 40-inch ninja sword, Dude.

The other day, my friend Guiseppe Fratelli informed me of the upcoming Zoolander sequel. Then I saw this article, and couldn't help but think that Mugatu has indeed returned... his fingerprints are all over this. What did Tom Nicon know that they didn't want him to go public with? Stay tuned...

Good news for alcoholics: Beer is like a multi-vitamin, or something. It's no wonder I've lived such a healthy life. Take that, mom! It provides lots of silicon to lower your risk of osteoporosis, which in the logic of the Reed-Brain, makes it a healthy alternative to milk... That explains why so many lactose-intolerant people are raging alcoholics; it's an evolutionary defense mechanism. 

Justice: He really shouldn't have been lookin' at him like that. Why would he give that guy a dirty look, he looks like such a normal, stand up guy... "I ate his heart to take his soul." Well, actually, it was his lung, genius.

A few years back, I saw a preview for what I thought was a spoof horror film called "Teeth." "Teeth" is about a girl whose lady parts had a sophisticated rape-defense mechanism (I'll let you guess what it is). Apparently, there's an actual term for it (Vagina Dentata). Well, fellas, your nightmare has become reality. Good thing I'm working on a lead condom: it protects against STDs, Vagina Dentata, and X-rays so you can indulge in x-ray sex (NSFW = Not Safe For Work).

 
I'm probably too big to fit in there anyway. 

Who remembers that high school graduation President Obama went to the other day, where he gave nuggets of wisdom such as 'take responsibility for your successes and your failures' and 'don't blame others' (not direct quotes, that's my paraphrasing). Those are certainly admirable ideas, and I agree that people should take responsibility for their actions and look towards self-improvement instead of blaming external forces for their failures or set-backs. Barack Obama sounds like he's channeling Ayn Rand there... Well take a look at this week's weekly address from the White House: Republicans Blocking Progress. That's literally, the title of the post, from the White House blog. Do as I say, not as I do, children. Those pesky republicans, so far in the minority that they couldn't stop healthcare reform despite unanimous republican opposition. They're blocking progress, people!

President Obama to Arizona Senator John Kyl (R): "if we secure the border, then you all won't have any reason to support comprehensive immigration reform." This is what Senator Kyl claims President Obama said, so take it with a grain of salt, but I could very well believe that Obama did indeed express those sentiments to the Arizona Senator. So Obama won't act on securing the border until the republicans sign on for amnesty, which to me sounds like dereliction of duty. But don't forget, it's the republicans who are blocking progress, people.

Government tips on how to be a better father: mute commercials, buy compact fluorescent lightbulbs, and filter your water. Note that when people want to cut the budget, the supporters of big government always shriek about how we're going to have less or are harming cops and teachers. It's always cops and teachers, never the mindless bureaucrats behind the scenes, like the ones whose job it is to tell you how to be a better father. Nope, cops and teachers are the only place we can cut funding, of course... you're not against cops and teachers, are you? Do you hate children, you racist hitler-polpot! 

The always impressive Charles Krauthammer hits the nail on the head (pun intended) once more with an article about the Dreamer in Chief. Great article, not very long, read the whole thing.

China is finally allowing the RMB to increase in value. Well, good, I think...

Shelby Steele has an excellent article in the WSJ about Israel and the Surrender of the West. It all goes back to political correctness, something I have long believed to be the greatest danger to our republic. Some choice quotes (but read the whole thing, I implore you):

"The Jews are being scapegoated again...It projects onto Israel the same sin that made apartheid South Africa so untouchable: white supremacy. Somehow "world opinion" has moved away from the old 20th century view of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict as a complicated territorial dispute between two long-suffering peoples. Today the world puts its thumb on the scale for the Palestinians by demonizing the stronger and whiter Israel as essentially a colonial power committed to the "occupation" of a beleaguered Third World people...

it [PC] is good manners to be outraged at Israel's blockade of Gaza, and it is bad manners to be outraged at Hamas's recent attack on a school because it educated girls, or at the thousands of rockets Hamas has fired into Israeli towns—or even at the fact that Hamas is armed and funded by Iran. The world wants independent investigations of Israel, not of Hamas...

Today we in the West are reluctant to use our full military might in war lest we seem imperialistic; we hesitate to enforce our borders lest we seem racist; we are reluctant to ask for assimilation from new immigrants lest we seem xenophobic; and we are pained to give Western Civilization primacy in our educational curricula lest we seem supremacist. Today the West lives on the defensive, the very legitimacy of our modern societies requiring constant dissociation from the sins of the Western past—racism, economic exploitation, imperialism and so on."

Think he's over-stating things? Thing he's exaggerating the danger? Did you know that Oakland, the 4th largest port in the U.S., just boycotted a shipment of goods from a company based in Israel; a company that has nothing to do with the policies or actions of the Israeli government. The Jews are not a genocidal supremacist group. If Israel wanted to kill all the Palestinians, they are perfectly capable of doing so at any time (hint: they don't want to). Generally, Israelis and jews just want to live in peace without constant fear of attack. It's just hard to make peace with people like Yasser Kashlak, the Syrian Hezbollah supporter who helped fund the Flotilla:

“Gilad Schalit should go back to Paris and those murderers go back to Poland, and after that we will chase them until the ends of the earth to bring them to justice for their acts of slaughter from Deir Yassin until today... Don’t let the moderate Arab leaders delude you, [you] cannot make peace with us. Our children will return to Palestine, you have no reason for coexistence. Even if our leaders will sign a peace agreement, we will not sign. [disclosure: I bolded for emphasis - Reed]’”

Samar Alhaj,  a female organizer of a Hezbollah flotilla on its way to Gaza: 

"Asked on Radio A-Shams by Zohair Bahloul why the ship, Mariam, would only be carrying women, she said, “We are women in order not to give the thieving enemy an excuse to use arms against the ship.” 

So even Israel's enemies admit that Israel won't attack a ship full of non-violent women, while Hamas and Hezbollah try their best to kill as many women, children, and civilians as they can. She also tacitly admits that the "thieving enemy" had an excuse to attack the first ship... Samar, are you granting those filthy j00z some measure of legitimacy? Shame on you, you had better refine your talking points!

Hippie Ninja Detained, Japanese Beauty Improves Relations

Although the Japanese don't like to talk about the atrocities they committed in China during World War II, one young Japanese woman is making some bold moves to let the Chinese know how sorry she is. If only some gorgeous young German women would follow her lead and apologize in similar fashion to Jewish men like myself.

Please feel free to apologize to me anytime you'd like. You would be SO forgiven. 

So that's who I'd say is currently winning the contest of best female evah. Who's winning the contest for most awesome man? I'll give you three hints: He's carrying a 40-inch sword, night-vision goggles, and a pistol. Gary Brooks Faulkner, who grew a rockin' terrizt beard so he could blend-in in Pakistan where he attempted to personally hunt Osama. This guy really buys into DIY it seems, and according to all reports, he was well-informed and well-researched, finally getting arrested in Pakistan after his 6th ranging for Bin Laden. From what I've read, the guy sounds just awesome... I mean, he's a ninja who looks like Jerry Garcia, you can't really go wrong there.

Possible inspiration? 

When people used to tell me that soccer is a dangerous game, I'd laugh at them and then hip check them into something squishy, like a mattress or a baby. I'd follow up with some remark about football, hockey, or hell, even basketball. From my limited experience watching soccer, I've mostly noticed that soccer players are pussies who act like they've been shot if somebody touches them; their acting skills, I thought, are arguably more important than their passing skills. I was dead wrong... Soccer is as dangerous as the 1972 Munich Olympics in some choice locales (Somalia). I guess I found out one thing that Allah and I can agree on... soccer is wack. And I guess polygamy too, I could get down with that.

Where do Allah and I disagree? Alcohol and bacon, mostly (I think Moses disagreed with the latter as well). Listen, god of the Muslims, if you will not permit alcohol and pork, you're delivering a powerful weapon right into the hands of your enemies. Tolerant frenchmen (oxymoron?) hold Wine and Pork Party to protest Islamization. France is truly going down the hole -- the evil right-wing party in power had the nerve to raise the retirement age to 62! Can you believe it? That just makes me sick, to think that a place on this earth could have me still working well into my golden years. In other news, my 80+ year old grandparents still work... they're miners in West Virginia (I made that last part up). Note: Despite the deficit in France, the opposition socialist party still opposed the new measures.

John Stewart, who has been on a roll recently, absolutely destroyed Obama yesterday in a ten minute clip that can be found here. Keep in mind, this show was taped before the widely derided BP oil spill speech Captain Kickass gave last night, so I can only imagine what the daily show will have in store tonight. Ed Morrissey notes a trend of behavior in this administration:

"In his short presidency, Obama has had two responses to any issue: appoint a czar or create a commission.  The auto industry got a czar, for instance, and the deficit that Obama’s spending has driven out of sight got a commission.  Last night, Obama wanted people to know he was taking this seriously by appointing a czar and a commission, the latter of which had been announced weeks ago."

And did you know that Nobel Prize Physicist Steven Chu won a Nobel Prize for Physics? Just in case you didn't know, he did. Meanwhile, President Kickass finally talked with BP CEO today... for 20 minutes. Compare that to the amount of time he's been spending with Paul McCartney, Bono, playing Golf - and that boom? Remember all that boom that Bobby Jindal requested down in Louisiana? And remember that factory in Maine that was wondering why the feds wouldn't buy their boom? And remember when the feds first said they didn't know about it, and then said it was declined because it was sub-standard? I remember all that, and I also remember the time that the boom company in Maine hired an inspector to grade their boom, which got above-average marks. Superior, was the word they used, I believe.

But no sense getting worked up over it, I'll be lounging on the white sand beaches of Hawaii soon enough, far away from any greasy pelicans. I'll just leave you with two good articles on Turkey, one from Walter Russell Mead, the author of the piece I linked to yesterday about the Palestine-Israel conflict. The second, from NYT columnist Thomas Friedman is also worthy of your time.

Wait a minute, I can't leave on a serious note. Here's a comic about the penis (don't worry, it's safe for work).

Has Hell Frozen Over?

Seriously... has hell frozen over? is it global warming's fault? First, I blogged just 2 days ago about Mahmoud Abbas and Egypt coming out in support of the Israeli blockade. In that same post, I mentioned NYT resident ginger and Obama groupie Maureen Dowd had called Obama a thin-skinned, controlling elitist. Furthermore, I read, but did not blog about Bill Maher calling the media too stupid to understand Gaza, much to the chagrin of Rachel Maddow. But this next link... this is what put me over the edge of incredulity. Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann rip apart Obama's BP speech.  I think I must be drunk... Well, while I'm here I might as well post a news roundup.

NY Teachers union even worse than originally thought.

As Allahpundit would say, "It's come to this." Is nothing sacred?

Interesting piece on peace in the middle east (try saying that 2x fast!).

Awesome video example of the most hilarious kind of redneck (he's a self-proclaimed mountain man, that's usually a good sign).

And I'll leave you with two great headlines, both courtesy of Allahpundit

Chat-Roulette Plans Penis-Recognition Algorithm to Block Pervy Users.

Touchdown Jesus Destroyed by His Own Father (or himself, I never understood that whole trinity thing, you know, being a jew). Ok, so that's not the actual headline, but that's the one I'm giving it.

America Got Two Things Right

Since I'm moving out of Cali in a few short days, we shut off the internet in our house and that makes it hard to blog. So unfortunately, I don't have time to write a long post tonight, but I have a bunch of excellent videos for everybody to enjoy.

So maybe China doesn't want to be our friends :(. I still am inclined to disagree that we'll go to war with China anytime soon. The current high ranking officers of the PLA are old in every sense of the word, and the younger generation is much more friendly towards the U.S. But I've been wrong in the past...

Republican Blacks are Uncle Toms, and now Republican women are... trannys I guess? Is that what is being implied? Well, you know the old saying about trannys: Best of both worlds ;). Just another example of the tolerant left... I won't hold my breath for the media outrage.

About time... LIGHTSABERS! I love the future.

And now, for the three most 'Mrrkan videos of the day. Of course, the first is a political advertisement from... wait for it... Alabama!

The Allah analysis: "it has the same saving grace as almost every other viral Alabama ad of this election cycle: It’s super-campy. Just watch RB emote during that “tea tax” line. He’s got the same half-serious, half-winking over-the-top bravado as the now immortal Dale Peterson had when he famously denounced those who give not a rip about Alabama. How do you deliver that line to a man in a colonial wig without busting up laughing? You don’t, I think."

The second of the most 'Mrrkan videos of the day:

Heard this aired during the US-England game on Saturday... It almost makes me want to buy American. I didn't watch the game, but as I said yesterday, I support any time there's a competition where our national pride is on the line. Which leads me directly into the third video, with the Allah analysis, which completely sums up my feelings, as displayed yesterday: "A U.S. Cup win wouldn’t make a boring game any more exciting to watch, alas. In fact, the chief reaction from American soccer-haters would probably be to crow that we’re now the best in the world at a game we don’t even care about." It's like he can read my mind. I don't give a rip about soccer. Here's the video that will literally make you pee your pants, courtesy of the Onion.

Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay

Money quote: "Precedent set by baseball admitting bunts were gay in 2007." Pure win.

Don't Call My Mom a Black Hole, or I'll Bash You in the Snoot.

Soccer (yes, soccer, not football) is quite possibly the lamest professional sport evah, mostly because of how European it is. On the flipside, due to its distinct European-ness (hehe, sounds like You're-a-penis if you say it fast), it is naturally something white people like. I must admit though, I like seeing America beat other countries at anything, be it something manly and awesome like moose-tossing, or something frightening like number one country in the world for genital herpes (at least we're number 1!). So with America tying our oldest rival in the World Cup, I can say I'm pretty happy. Our oldest rival, of course, is Britain. "But wait," you might say. "Isn't Britain our oldest ally? Don't we enjoy a special relationship with them?" To which I say, sort of.

Apparently, we Americans are still itching to bash England in the snoot. Honestly, Peter Hitchens, I'd be less inclined to bash you in the snoot if you didn't say pansy British things like "snoot." What the fuck is a snoot anyway? I probably want to bash you there, true, but it'll be awkward if it's like your ear or something. Geoffrey Wheatcroft also seems to think the Americans harbor resentment towards our supposed buddies across the pond. Well, maybe if you spelled your name correctly (Jeffrey) instead of like a fairy, we'd take you more seriously! Truth be told, I like the Brits, but these two guys do bring up some excellent points. If only Obama had treated them nicer, the Brits would still be blissfully ignorant of our deep disdain for them, and would continue to do shit that we want them to do.

What event prompted these harsh articles from two well-known Brits? Obama's treatment of BP is what put them over the edge, apparently. Who can blame Obama for talking tough about the group that caused the greatest environmental disaster of all time? I mean, what with all the heat he's taking from environmental groups and the usual suspects in Hollywood... wait a minute. Whatdya mean he'd getting a pass from them? I'll defer to Glenn Reynolds on this one: "Environmentalists, like feminists, are just another arm of the Democratic establishment: 'running dogs' to be loosed or reined in as politics require. It is thus unnecessary to pay attention to what they say, since it's just politics anyway."

Obama "is an elitist... as well as thin-skinned and controlling" says... Maureen Dowd?!?! When you've lost Maureen Dowd... am I still drunk? But wait, is there an even crazier tidbit of information I might have seen today: Mahmoud Abbas (yes, the Palestinian Authority's President) is in favor of the Israeli blockade on Gaza. Not to mention Egypt supports the blockade and has its own blocks on Gaza. So basically, our brilliant president's position is more extreme than that of Mahmoud Abbas. Pathetic.

So how are those sanctions on Iran going? Iran to start building new nuclear site by march. But I thought if they were isolated internationally, they'd give up on their dreams for regional hegemony. Cue Charles Krauthammer to dissect "The Myth of Iran's 'Isolation'." Good thing the Saudis, being so jew friendly as they are, have allegedly agreed to let the Israelis use their airspace for attacks on Iran.

Who remembers when congress admitted that they hadn't read the healthcare bill and that we'd find out what's in it after it passed? I do! And the law of unintended consequences has already manifested itself in various ways. Well the financial reg reform bill that's been floating around, the one that the CBO has claimed will increase deficits by roughly 20 billion, apparently nobody feels like reading that 1500 page one either. But that's ok, right? We've got our best and brightest in congress, making sure that we can reduce the deficit! Best and brightest: Dem congressman asks Fed Chair Bernanke, "Would cutting the budget really help eliminate debt?" to which the chairman responds, "Of course." The idiot goes on to ask what can be cut, which is, you know, his job to decide. For the record, cuts SHOULD be made in our defense budget, as SecDef Robert Gates has been advocating at the Pentagon. Compelling article also in support of defense cuts here.

"If this is what the LA NAACP now considers a priority for direct action, Los Angeles must be completely racism-free. Three cheers for progress" - Allahpundit, in regard to the following video.

The Taliban Has the HIV!

"@Sn00ki u r right, I would never tax your tanning bed! Pres Obama's tax/spend policy is quite The Situation. but I do rec wearing sunscreen!" 

-Senator John McCain (on his Verified Account Twitter)

A little while ago, I reported on President Kickass' consideration of talks with the Taliban. I wonder, is it the same Taliban that just hanged a 7 year old boy for spying for the U.S.? I think the bigger issue here is not how brutal the Taliban is, as that has been known for many years, but rather how incompetent our government must be if they're hiring 7 year olds to engage in espionage. They can't even drive cars, how can you expect them to be able to infiltrate terrorist organizations? Some claim that the Taliban has started placing HIV and Hep infected needles into bombs to try infect bomb squad experts. Can we officially say that the Taliban has the HIV and Hepatitis? I think so! Must be a buncha needle-sharing homos!

Somebody quick, get grandma! The death panels are coming! But in all seriousness, that's probably not the best platform you want to run on in Florida of all states.

Socialist paradise less socially just than evil greedy capitalist icon? How could a society centered on improving ones own standing be more socially just than a society devoted to making sure everybody is secure? Are they reading Thomas Sowell or something over there? Mr. Sowell claims:

"Those who have helped the poor the most have not been those who have gone around loudly expressing “compassion” for the poor, but those who found ways to make industry more productive and distribution more efficient, so that the poor of today can afford things that the affluent of yesterday could only dream about."

Mr. Sowell, are you really attempting to claim that actions speak louder than words? Good intentions are more valuable than good deeds that are committed out of personal greed, right? I'll take the moral high road, because I really care!

Surprise: ACORN admits fraud to FBI. I'm shocked, really!

Racist Southern Republicans sure seem to be voting for a lot of those colored folk. With Marco Rubio, Nikki Haley, Bobby Jindal, Les Phillip, you've got to wonder how committed to racism these racists are. They're certainly failing at keeping up appearances. I was also under the impression that the Republicans were sexist, but they keep being led by women. How are these unenlightened bigots so accepting of powerful women and minorities? It boggles the mind... Two notable female republicans running for office, Carly Fiorina and Meg Whitman, are bringing in a race riddled with scandal; they both held the controversial position of CEO at large, successful corporations (Hewlett Packard and eBay respectively). Ok, seriously, what kind of ass backwards world do we live in where female CEOs running for office are referred to as anti-feminist (they don't believe the right ideas, i.e., liberal ideology). And more incredulously, I must ask, why is it controversial to have been a CEO of a successful enterprise? MOST incredulously, I ask, who the hell names their daughter "Carleton"? There's only one Carlton I'll ever know and love.

 

On the topic of empowered women, this hot MILF has totally neutered her douchey looking husband. He stands there looking like a retard while she recounts that it was like "I was sitting on your lap on a picnic table bench... his genitals were exposed perhaps by the zipper." If fucking a hot married mom is wrong, then I don't want to be right. As a show of support for this poor woman, I am now volunteering myself to any relevant MILFs for conducting civil disobedience in the recreation of this so called crime. Apply in the comments, thank you.

Progress: From 2 packs a day to ONLY 15 cigarettes a day... That a boy!

 Damn that kid looks cool... he probably had to cut down for economic reasons. Sustaining a 2 pack a day habit for the rest of his life, probably going to take a chunk out of his college education funds...

From the Iron Sheik's Twitter

"i am the real not like that fag pussy motherfucker bubba love sponge. he gay worse than michael jackson. I am the legend"

"i am happy to be as much as soon in the new york for one of my intelligent jew boss Howard Stern. artie is the gay the fag."

"this fucking stupid whale on the tv ruin my day. i get mad and want to fuck the whale in the ass."

- the Iron Sheik

Addendum: the Iron Sheik has a documented love of the Jews. Is he the key to the Iran-Israel conflict?

Kickass President, Battling Addiction, and Projectile Vomit

I walk around this world, and oftentimes, I find that holding things can be heavy. Like a large box, or maybe a bag of sand. That a person can be strong enough to squat this kind of weight kind of scares me.

He probably doesn't think anything is heavy, I bet he just picks things up all the time and doesn't even notice. Ok, so I'm admittedly not the most muscular guy on the block, but I think squatting 1000 pounds is a daunting task for even the beefiest of juice shooting guidos on Long Island. I've never seen the exorcist, but I think after this video I've pretty much seen all the good parts, right? The kicker: This is a video of the second of three attempts... that's right, he goes again.

I run across fun stuff like the video above on the internet all the time, I love the internet. If the internet had a mouth, I would date it (so it could hold an intelligent conversation, you sick fucks, what were you thinking?). That said, I don't think my affection towards the internet could be considered an addiction. During the course of my Chinese studies, I read plenty of articles about young Chinese internet addicts running away from home to live at the internet bars and play games, and how it's sort of a growing social problem over there. I have also read news reports of people literally dying due to lack of sleep/nutrients because they were playing videogames for days straight. I specifically remember one sickening story of a Korean couple who were so absorbed in World of Warcraft [Disclosure: I used to play] that their neglect for their infant child led to its death. Yeah, sounds like addiction to me, that scene comes straight out of Trainspotting. On the other hand, this headline is just hilarious: Chinese internet addicts stage mutiny at boot camp. I can just imagine the inspiring speeches given by the rebel leaders, the breath of freedom as they bust out the gates.  Great Escape remake to follow, with a 21st century twist.

Americans like to complain about taxes, it's a historical trait that is central to our American identity. We revolted because of taxes (numerous times), and it's a central theme in all political races. People often whine about funding useless bullshit (like my salary, thanks guys!), but hey, at least we're not Britain. Next on British Parliament's agenda: Pole-dancing Lessons for Elementary Students?

I don't have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, my mom just wanted to curb my ADD while in the womb. Pregnant chicks, rejoice! Thanks for looking out for me mom!

Now that we've established that drinking while pregnant is actually beneficial, let's turn our gaze to another brilliant study: Cocaine addiction combatted with enriched environment. What I got out of the article: if you do cocaine in fun places, you won't get addicted! For example, doing blow off a stripper in Vegas, that's just partying, you won't have to worry about giving HJs in the bathroom of the Olive Garden to feed your future habit. Bumping lines off your surfboard in Hawaii, that's just getting you focused on the next big wave buddy. Doing crack in the projects: BAD! Don't do it.

New product from the makers of Bacon Salt: MALT SALT! If you preface a product with "from the makers of Bacon Salt," I'm definitely prone to immediately loving it. People who have seen me in my natural habitat know that I have the weird habit of eating spices (if you are interested in starting this habit, I can give you some recommendations on the best spices to eat... Montreal Steak Seasoning, Goya's Adobo, anything called Cajun seasoning). I'll add this one to the shopping cart and report back on my findings.

Headline of the Day: Metrobus driver that punched McGruff the crime dog rehired. Sick bastards, how could they condone such a blasphemous crime. This is not an example of taking a bite out of crime, Metrobus, shame on you!

President Obama has been super serial about this Gulf Spill since it's onset. Three days after the spill happened, the Dutch offered their assistance in cleaning up the spill, but Obama was so super serial about stopping the spill that he was all like, "Nah it's cool buddy, I got this!" I'm glad that our President is so committed to stopping this environmental disaster, but the other day he kind of harshed my mellow when he claimed that he didn't know who's ass to kick on this BP oil spill catastrophe. Here's the soundbite where our President shows how involved he is with the spill... you see, he cares!

Obama wants to kick ass, which has prompted the always hilarious Allahpundit to start referring to him as Kickass... awesome.

Quick Update

No time for a full post tonight, so I'll just do a quick roundup of some worthwhile links.

 I believe it was a once relevant Woody Allen who said, "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying." Me too Woody, and it looks like we got some good news.

What could go wrong? China's controversial 3 Gorges Dam has lots of cracks in it... but don't worry, it'll only affect 300,000 people because they already forcefully relocated 1.4 million of the local residents. Hooray Communism!

The gulf oil spill is... George Bush's fault! Duh, isn't everything?

Worst person evah!? Joran Van Der Sloot strikes again... 35 year maximum sentence just doesn't seem fair.

What not to do with your Top Secret Clearance: Sell classified info out to Wikileaks. I remember when Wikileaks founder showed up on the Colbert Report and got just completely torn up, it almost makes you feel bad for the guy... almost.

Uh oh... I'm a pretty skinny guy. Well if correlation implies causation, at least I've got tax breaks to look forward to!

Those poor WH staffers, having nightmares about that little thing going on down in the gulf... you see guys, they care! Their feelings are definitely the biggest victims of this crisis.

We can talk to Iran, but not to BP... But I assure you, they're doing everything within their power. THEY CARE!

Peace activists on their way to Cyprus and Turkish Kurdistan... oh yeah! Media, take note (haha I'm kidding, I know you won't).

I'll post a real post tomorrow, and with that, I bid you all goodnight.