Reed the Viking

America, Fuck Yeah!

Last week, I wrote about Texas' policy of giving out free firearms with McDonalds Happy Meals. This would probably lead me to rank Texas as the best state in the union (can anybody say, "delivery steaks"), until I read this: 

"Daniel Almond, a three-tour veteran of Iraq, is ready to "muster outside D.C." on Monday with several dozen other self-proclaimed patriots, all of them armed. They intend to make history as the first people to take their guns to a demonstration in a national park, and the Virginia rally is deliberately being held in sight of the Capitol, just a few miles from the White House.

Almond plans to have his pistol loaded and openly carried, his rifle unloaded and slung to the rear, a bandoleer of magazines containing ammunition draped over his polo-shirted shoulder. The Atlanta-area real-estate agent organized the rally because he is upset about healthcare, climate control, bank bailouts, drug laws and what he sees as President Obama's insistence on and the Democratic Congress's capitulation to a "totalitarian socialism" that tramples individual rights.

A member of several heretofore little-known groups, including Jews for the Preservation of Firearms Freedom, and Oathkeepers, former and active military and law enforcement officials who have vowed to resist laws they deem unconstitutional, Almond, 31, considers packing heat on the doorstep of the federal government within the mainstream of political speech."

Virginia, my hat's off to you for being the most awesome state evah. If I lived within driving distance, I'd be there with guns loaded, lined up right next to the Jews for the Preservation of Firearms Ownership. We all know that one of the first things the Nazi Basterds did to Germany's Jews was taking away their guns and thus, their right to self-defense. Keep that Second Amendment strong, baby! If this is just a reaction to the healthcare reform, well, I've got three cheers for government healthcare (h/t: Hotair)!

The other day I also wrote about what I believed was the cause of the recent string of earthquakes around the globe. I have been informed that I was completely wrong about the source of these man-made natural disasters. Thanks for the correction, Ayatollah! 

I always loved the game-show Family Feud. I'll never forget that I was with a few of my good friends watching Family Feud when it got interrupted by then New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy's broadcast and declaration that he was a "gay american." All that aside, I always thought Richard Dawson was a little creepy when it came to his female guests, but he's got nothing on this guy (H/T: Hotair). 

What the fuck?

More on 3D Porn

The other day I linked to an article about a newly developed pornographic book for blind people in England. I made the bold claim that this was the next generation in 3D porn, and promptly told James Cameron to "suck it." Last night while I was lying in bed trying to go to sleep, Robin Hood: Men in Tights came on the television. Only then did I realize that this 1993 Mel Brooks classic was actually years ahead of the curve. The film features Robin Hood's blind best friend, featuring a 13th century edition of Playboy, specifically designed for the blind.

 

Now for something completely different: Blogger seriously let down by new scientific study (h/t: Hotair) . If you can't rely on the Donner Party to be model cannibals, what can you rely on? Allegedly, the craziest thing they ate was their dogs. Maybe the Donner Party wasn't a bunch cannibals, maybe they were just chinese. Chinese really do eat dogs, and Chinese really can't stop the signal. From the moment the chinese government embraced the internet, it became apparent that they can no longer crush 自由 (freedom). I think this is a good trend for a country that should and probably will end up one of our close allies in the future. Keep up the good work, Han Han and try not to get killed or detained!

At the end of the week, I like to reflect upon all the news I've read during the week. My apologies to Kayo (that's Keith Olbermann for those not in the know) for stealing his shtick for this one, but I have two finalists for "The Worst Person in the World" award.

Hailing from New Jersey (surprise, surprise) is Philadelphia Phillies fan (suprise, surprise) Matthew Clemmons. Forcing yourself to throw up when you are full and need to eat more or consume more alcohol is perfectly acceptable and fine, but ralphing on an 11 year old is just depraved. Shame on you, and nice black eye.

Hailing from Switzerland (genuine surprise) is sick fuck Dominic Deville. I'm inclined to give him the award, except that I think what he does is sorta funny. The real recipient of the award is his clientele (mom, dad), the people who actually hire him to conduct his business. How this isn't illegal is beyond me, but I'd like to see this business model start up in Texas. I can just see it now; clown follows 8 year old kid, clown tells kid he's being watched, kid takes out gun, clown shits pants. Not plausible, say you? I'll let you know that I have a friend from Texas, and she says that they give free guns as the toys in McDonald's Happy Meal. I leave you with a message from my BFF (best friends forever, for anybody over the age of 50).

 Exit question: What is a Haircut Hippie? Is it a Hippie that gives haircuts?

Racism, Cops, and Unsubstantiated Rumors

I have a very small pimple on the base of my septum, and while it's not visible, it's annoying me. Yet another high magnitude earthquake has caused numerous deaths in the world, this time taking place in western China's Qinghai province. According to reports from Voice of America and the Independent, 97% of the people affected are people of the Tibetan minority nationality. This is just the most recent in a series of deadly earthquakes striking across the world. At first, I figured this was all due to the imminent arrival of the year 2012. Upon deeper thinking, I went to the default rationale of blaming George Bush. Follow me while I triangulate here, but everybody knows that the shifting of tectonic plates is caused by Global Warming (the science is settled!). Global Warming is caused by George Bush (see 2000 presidential election). If only Al Gore had won... Quite frankly, everything I just said sounds ridiculous; I wasn't looking at the big picture. First, earthquakes struck Haiti, a predominantly black (you can't say black, Reed...) African-American country. Next, earthquakes struck the mexican Latino country of Chile. Then they attacked Taiwan and Qinghai's Tibetans. It's clear to me that the earthquakes were caused by racist teabaggers. 

 

If you disagree with my analysis, well, you're probably a racist. In all seriousness, my thoughts go out to the people affected by all of the above earthquakes. In lighter news, there's always this (h/t: Hotair) . Most of you already know how I feel about amputees (turned on), and this news only adds to my fascination. I also love student-teacher relations (as long as it's female teacher and male student of course), and midgets... you didn't think this way going anywhere, did you? WRONG! This brings me directly to the Jock Dwarf! Where was she when I was a schoolboy? For any government types reading this website, I do NOT endorse illegal activity, especially in regard to underage sex (LOL I'm kidding of course, why else would I live down the street from a high school?). 

I got a speeding ticket today, which I maintain is complete fucking bullshit. Especially since I was pulled over by THIS cop (h/t: Glenn). Ok, so I wasn't pulled over by that asshole, and the cop that pulled me over was actually pretty cool, but I'm still pissed I got a ticket and I do maintain that I wasn't really speeding. I had switched lanes to pass the guy in front of me and sped up for a second to pass. He saw my out-of-state plates, remembered that Cali is bankrupt, and figured I could help fill their coffers. Maybe if Cali quit having Wi-Fi in public parks, they'd have money for something real. Well this post just took a downward turn, I will leave you all with something happy and joyous to uplift our spirits.

Unsubstantiated rumor of the day: David Faustino WASN'T in Married with Children.

Eat Poop, You Cat!

Today I am unveiling the Game. The Game, also known in some circles as "Eat Poop, You Cat" is a fun little exercise my co-workers and I take part in during our break time. The basic premise is that one person starts it off by writing a caption/statement on an index card, then hands the stack of index cards to the next person. The next person then draws a picture that goes with the caption, then hides the caption at the bottom of the stack so only the picture is visible, and then passes the stack to the next person who writes a caption, hides the picture and so on. It's hit or miss, and some people are less funny than others, but overall it's a fun game and I thought I'd post up some of our funnier results on the blog. So with that, I give you the first episode of Eat Poop, You Cat! Click the pic to make it bigger.

Caption: "... And Uncle Jimmy made me eat every last bit of it. I'll tell you what, it sure didn't taste like applesauce."

  -Picture courtesy of yours truly.

Caption: "The teenage boy was thinking of mayonnaise as he reached for the belt buckle of the dirty man in the flannel shirt, who was really excited."

Caption: "Johnny Rotten desperately needs some Miracle Whip NOW! Unfortunately, Paul Bunyan is the only man around... just look away and reach out."

It went on a little further than that, but my camera wouldn't take clear pictures and they weren't all that good to post anyway, so you get the basic idea. So today I was going to write a little about the whole wikileaks thing, but as I was getting into bed last night I caught Colbert doing an interview with Wikileaks' supposed founder. Colbert did a pretty decent job smacking him down, so I can only recommend watching the interview. 

I mentioned the dangers of political correctness yesterday, and sure enough today PC has claimed another life. Honestly, I'm not sure whether to attribute this to PC bullshit or to the guy being a retarded emo pussy (take that, political correctness). I'm leaning on the latter, but I'm not a scientist. 

Ironic headline of the day; maybe she's been celibate since the public discovered she has a dick. Don't worry GaGa, I'd still bone you, and I'd even give your fireman a tug <3. Non-Ironic albeit hilarious headline of the day: The Buenos Aires Redemption? I can hear Morgan Freeman narrating it now, "Andres DuFresnito lost me 20 pesos that night. He didn't cry even a little, mang." I wonder how widespread that practice is, honestly... I thought my lamb tasted a little... human-y the other night.

A sense of entitlement, brought to you by our buddies in the U.K.. I'd say they're in need of some sort of Tea-Party group, but then again they have tea parties every day in the afternoon. Not to mention the original Tea-Party was a big factor in what lost them all their most badass people (Clint Eastwood was a founding father, right?), maybe they don't want to conjure up memories of that. Tea party no good, maybe try Swingers Party, I'm sure a lot of middle aged white people would show up to that!

Ready to Double Down

Who's ready? I'm ready! They told me the election of Barack Obama would bring change, and change has come. Say goodbye to bread my friends, for it has met it's end: best idea evah? Finally adults and children under the age of 21 have a means to legally destroy their liver, and it's out today! Sure, you can die for your country, be trusted with national security secrets, and vote for our president, but you can't drink until you turn 21, so all you youngunz should Double Down and start conditioning your liver ahead of time. My source within KFC has told me off the record that the Double Down meal will include the sandwich, disposable gloves, a syringe of adrenaline, and a barf bag as pictured below.

    

Also, for every 10 meals you buy, you get $5 towards your inevitable angioplasty, as stipulated by the first lady's anti-obesity plan. Speaking of obesity, the term "obese" is now offensive; henceforth, the fat kids shall be called bait. This term is both accurate and inoffensive, as it does not refer directly to the weight issue, while agreeing that if chased by a T-rex, said dino would probably go after (and catch) the fat kid first.

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 It is sad to see our brethren across the Atlantic fall prey to the PC crowd, but not all is lost for them. They still have the entrepreneurial spirit and creative minds to create something as brilliant as porn for the blind. To my understanding, you can feel the naked bodies on the page and get a sense of what the ladies look like. I'm assuming the curves, bust and all that good stuff rise off the page, making this the first 3D porn evah! Ah, progress... suck it James Cameron, 3D just got taken to a new level. For us seeing people (seeple?), I wonder if the book looks like some X-rated Seurat. Anybody who had miss Kenny for art class in 3rd grade knows that Seurat, Seurat, he loved to paint with dots. With regard to the seeple remark, don't feel guilty about reading a blog that pokes fun of the blind, they can't read it anyway, HA!

My BFF just sent me an article that alleges Mike Huckabee equated homosexuality with incest... Exit question numero uno: What if you're a gay dude, but you've only got sisters :(? 

Exit question 2: Who's excited for the remake of Red Dawn (RIP Swayze)?

Camping: The Aftermath

What happens when the Navy and Airforce teams up to go ranging in the wild? Normally, about 16 people from each service pop positive on the next piss test, but thankfully we made due without our beloved ecstasy. Instead, last nights joint-service operation was a test in geo-engineering, and I can safely say that we more than likely changed the course of the river forevermore. What I mean is that we got drunk and heaved rocks into a stream. It was a good time and I'd do it again, I had forgotten how delicious s'mores are. 

I toyed with the idea of moving my blog to another location, that way I wouldn't bring any bad publicity down upon my father... Ultimately, I decided that it was too much work and not worth the effort. I did think of an alternative name, based on the new trend of naming your blog in the fashion of "Verb, Noun, Geographic Feature" made famous by FireDogLake (JumpMonkeyArchipelago anybody?).

I got out of New York just in time, hipsters just keep getting lamer and lamer by the day. Cali has it's fair share of faults, and I'd much rather live on the east coast, but at least they don't have Hipsters or Jersey Shore types out here. Lot's of homeless by choice though. 18-22 year old guys normally who want to go "on the road" and see the country, relying on the kindheartedness of their countrymen. Sure is a romantic thought, but damn them if they ask me for money, I work for a living, Hippie! 

I leave you with some great news courtesy of planned parenthood; we have a right to sexual pleasure! Yep, it's true, we have a right to sexual pleasure. Don't tell me I can't make a baby my bitch, I have rights dammit, this is 'mmrrrrrkuh! Hell yeah, go Junior!

Goin' Camping

So today I'm going camping for the first time in decades. The last time I can remember camping, my age in years could be counted on one hand and my father tried to drown me in a lake. I don't think I've been on a canoe or ventured into the wilderness since. Was that piece of firewood really worth capsizing the canoe for, Dad? Some advice for future boating enthusiasts: Do not stand up and then lean over in a canoe... also, don't ride in canoes, they suck. As a viking, I endorse the longboat or nuclear powered aircraft carrier.

As you can see, my father was really excited about the firewood that he saw in the beaver dam. This is what happens when hippie city kids decide to "rough it." I, on the other hand, am not fooling anybody, least of all myself. I am going camping at a place that has a bar and live music on saturday nights. The only rough part is sleeping on the ground, and everybody knows that with enough alcohol in my system, I'd do that anyway. Camping is just like any other outdoor activity (i.e., softball, going to the beach etc.); Bring booze and food, do nothing, and try to get laid in the great outdoors. Hopefully today I can finally become a "happy camper."

Apparently, Smallville is still on the air, which is driving a lot of nerds crazy because it's on track to beat Stargate SG-1's record run for longest aired sci-fi series. Smallville has been horrible since like, season 2 when it became a soap opera. For all those who know what I'm talking about, Chloe's still not dead, forrealz(played by Allison Mack, not to be confused with Alex Mack who has the secret world and puddle-morphing abilities).

Exit question: Is camping fun without recreational drugs?

Exit answer: It better be, cause drugs are bad, mmkay!

Where to Begin?

Ahhh, the form of expression I promised I'd never return to: blogging. Well actually, I never promised anything like that, nor have I expressed similar sentiments, but that's neither here nor there. Returning to the blogosphere naturally invites the question, "Where to begin?" If I were any good at photoshop, I'd probably do something creative or funny, but I'm going to have to make due with a crappy picture I may or may not draw on MSPaint, which will be neither funny nor creative.

 
 

Like I said, neither funny nor creative... it's a lion, by the way. Now this wouldn't be my blog if I didn't mention Fred Savage every once in a while. Past readers of mine (hi mom, dad!) know that I love Fred Savage, Kevin Sorbo, and other acting greats to whom I often refer. Aside from watching Fred Savage's greatest work to date, I am proud to remind everybody that my dude Fred also writes episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which is of course one of the funniest shows out there.

Basically, my blog will be devoted to things that I find interesting (did you hear about the new rules to Scrabble? OMG! If they really wanna modernize the game, allow leetspeak. QQ will be one of the easiest, highest point moves in the game granted they add another Q to the sack). I like technology, science, politics, chinese, and I'm relatively in tune with popular culture through my wonderful friends. Being that I've spoken more chinese than I have english in the past year and a half, I apologize ahead of time for my terrible english, the main casualty in my chinese studies. All things said, I hope to provide the unique perspective of a libertarian, chinese speaking New York Jew who enlisted in the navy.

What have I got today? If Allahpundit's prediction for this little piece of hardware are correct, there will truly be a revolution in the Long-Distance Relationship Industry. Chatroulette will get exponentially creepier with a slew of random anonymous one-night cyberstands... or maybe it'll still be a buncha lonely virgins beating off for eachother. I know I'll personally be attempting to conquer the world, and I won't even have to worry about STDs and babies. Ah, technology... If you want to know how I really feel about these things, wait a few years for this. In the words of the Instaprophet Glenn Reynolds, "faster please."

I also want to extend thanks to my father for letting me host my blog on his account. To express my thanks, I'll give him a free plug: Go read his blog if you are smart and have a lot of time, he's brilliant. Caveat: I don't read his blog, it's too intelligent for me. If you're feeling up for a challenge, feel free to check him out at http://shrinkwrapped.blogs.com/. A final disclaimer: The views espoused by my father do not necessarily represent the views of the Viking. Likewise, do not judge him based on my filthy mouth and underdeveloped world view.

This is a Test

testing 1...2...3