It is a sad but all too common story: an abusive man, after months and years of escalating abuse, verbal, then physical, finally kills his wife. Occasionally, compounding the tragedy, he kills the children as well, often followed by his own suicide. This is often seen in men who fit the diagnostic picture best described as Malignant Narcissism, which I have written about in the past.
However, the other side of the tragedy also needs to be understood. How could a woman continue in such threatening environment, putting herself and her children at risk? Why doesn't she see the danger? How is it that she can ignore all the warning signs?
Often the woman involved has her own psychological issues that cause her to minimize the danger. Typically, the Malignant Narcissist, who needs the "other" to support his sense of himself, finds a Dependent woman who will tolerate his abuse in the service of her own dependency needs. It is a very unfortunate combination and particularly resistant to intervention. The man does not recognize any problems. His abuse is barely conceded and always imagined as the outcome of his wife's (or girlfriend's) provocation. (I have actually heard one such man say he hit his wife because "she wouldn't shut the f*ck up.") She has such a strong need to be loved and attached that she is willing to accept a great deal of the responsibility. (It was my fault, I didn't have the beer he likes; I should have known better.) For both parties, their self esteem and self concept depends on maintaining the relationship.
In such settings, warnings from others tend to be discounted until something happens which breaks through the victim's denial. In the not so distant past, this was compounded by the tendency of authorities to not take such problems seriously. Even now, when domestic violence is recognized as a serious problem, the legal response, obtaining "orders of protection", are only as good as the paper they are written on in protecting the victims. Only if, and when, victims of such abuse reach a "tipping point" can they begin to extricate themselves; those who never reach such a point are forever at the mercy of the abuser.
I have been wondering if we are reaching just such a tipping point in the Middle East.
Recent Comments