There is a troubling article in the New York Times today that illustrates so much of what is wrong with the culture of Narcissism that seems to have been adopted by our elites. The article, written by Susan Saulny, In Baby Boomlet, Preschool Derby Is the Fiercest Yet, is meant to be a sympathetic look at the travails of parents who only wish the best for their young children. On the surface, it is about the increased competition for spaces in premier New York Nursery Schools. It tells the story of several young couples who are struggling with their anxiety about getting accepted, and worry that their applications will be found wanting. [Emphasis mine-SW]
Take the case of the Rabbani twins, who live on the Upper West Side. Their father, Usman Rabbani, graduated from Yale 10 years ago, has a master's degree from Harvard and works for a major drug company in Manhattan. Despite his accomplishments, Mr. Rabbani was stumped when he sat down to compose a short essay a couple of months ago.
His assignment? To profile his two toddlers. Of his 18-month-old son Humza he eventually wrote, "He knows that birds like to sit on rooftops when they are not on the ground, that cats and dogs like to be petted, and that the blue racquetballs in the can belong in the racquetball court upstairs."
About Humza's twin, Raza, he wrote, "He is happy to point out all his body parts when asked."
With those words, Mr. Rabbani conquered parental writer's block and entered this year's version of the altered universe of private preschool admissions. After years of decline, the number of children under 5 in Manhattan, where the most competitive programs are located, increased by 26 percent between 2000 and 2004, according to census estimates. Yet the number of slots has not kept apace.
"These are the kids who are 2, 3, 4, and 5 years old now, trying to get into preschool and kindergarten," said Amanda Uhry, the owner of Manhattan Private School Advisors, a consulting firm for parents. "And it's a nightmare."
Consider what it means that parents are hiring consulting firms to get their 18 month old children into the right pre-school. It would be easy to mock such parents who seem to have such mis-placed priorities. After all, parents of 18 month olds should be taking delight in their child's exploration of the world, their first real sentences, their joy and sorrow at all the wonderful things they find in their world. An 18 month old can be engaged in play with pots and pans and will delight in it; they hardly need a $10,000 a year pre-school. They need a loving parent to play with them and hug them much more than they need the right pre-school.
I have known a fair number of Manhattan parents who have spent untold hours obsessing over getting their child into the right pre-school, the right nursery school, the right grade school ... The saddest part of it is that they are so often unaware of their own narcissistic investment in the process; they almost all believe they are doing it for the best interests of the child. They are doing it for themselves; they require the external world's endorsement of their success; by their trappings their self-worth is revealed to themselves.
[Please note, these parents are wealthy people who can afford the very best for their children. Middle class parents, even in Manhattan, can be relatively inoculated from such distress by virtue of being unable to afford the best Psychological testing (often a requirement for the best pre- and nursery schools), the best consultants, etc; they are more likely to pick a "good enough" pre-school. Most will end up moving out of the city when their children reach grade school or middle school because the public schools in New York, with a few notable exceptions, are horrific in many different ways, and the liberal zeitgeist in New York, the bluest of blue cities, does not tolerate offering the non-wealthy much school choice.]
All of us have a significant Narcissistic investment in our children. It is the most normal and natural thing in the world to feel pride at our children's successes and pain at their set-backs. However, most healthy parents know that part of their job requires separating their interests from their child's interests. I can assure you that there are no 18 month olds who care what pre-school they go to.
And the saddest part is that for the unfortunate children of such people, they are already finding their self worth dependent on external forces, continuing the Narcissistic cycle that their parent have been unable to escape.
Children depend on receiving unconditional love from their parents; when a parent is distressed or depressed, they are less able to be emotionally available to their child. The children who have to go through the crucible of pre-school, nursery school, and grade school admissions, recognize how much importance their parents attach to it, which means that if they "fail", they have failed their parents. It doesn't even help if they succeed; either way, the message to the children is that their parent's happiness depends on an accomplishment by the child over which he has no real control.
This would be so sad if these people took a moment to realize what they were doing to their children.
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