Marriage and Children

Yesterday, Glenn Reynolds linked to a post which iterated the benefits of marriage for children. 

Want Successful Kids? Stay Married.

The Economist has a fascinating story on the economic and cultural gaps between those we might call the 'life-long married' and the rest of America. Based on research from a number of different organizations, it seems that the best educated and most prosperous Americans tend to marry for life, and are better at passing on the tools for success to their children. Single parents, separated parents, and those who move from one relationship to another are at a great disadvantage in trying to pass on to their kids the values and habits that will help them succeed.

The Economist did not discover anything new; the Sociologists have been confirming the longstanding impression that, on balance, children who grow up with two married parents do better in life on all sorts of metrics than those who raised in broken homes or by single parents.  The comments on Influence Peddler's post were instructive; one anonymous poster said:

Well, my wife left abruptly and falsely accused me of killing the pets, drugging her, sexually assaulting the kids, and having an affair. I don't think staying married is in the cards.

This would fall under the heading of reading an article and only seeing what is relevant to oneself.  Another anonymous poster used his soap box in support of Gay Marriage.  Occam's Beard pointed out that being able to enter and a maintain a healthy marriage reflects the maturity of the individuals  involved and another commenter made the very sensible point that simply making the commitment to marriage helps support positive character traits in the participants in a virtuous cycle.

I am of the opinion that our children, most especially many of the children who have suffered through their parent's divorce, recognize implicitly the benefits of supplying a stable, positive environment to their future children, but have very few role models to use for emulation and identification.   Another way of phrasing this is that because of societal trends intersecting with our personal psychology, future adults are left bereft of useful and positive fantasies from which to construct a motivating ideal, the ego ideal.

Consider the new movie, Knocked Up, by Judd Apatow. 

Apatow's last movie, "The 40 year old Virgin" was  a very funny, very raunchy movie which treated virginity until marriage, a subject that is so often treated as hopelessly lame and naive, with genuine affection and respect.  A young person (or old person) does not have to save  him or herself for marriage to recognize the beauty and idealism (even if more often fantasy than reality) of confining one's sexual intimacy to one person.  Such a vision of faithful intimacy is, of course, completely anathema to those who, since the fabled days of the sexual revolution, idealized the free expression of all libidinal instincts as the height of sophistication.  The tendency among those who celebrated their absolute right to "free love" (more appropriately "free sex"), while neglecting to think about the cost of such illusory freedom, to need to continually reassert their sophistication by sneering at the naifs who believe in "true love" (please watch "The Princess Bride" for an explanation of "true love") finds expression in the mindset of an MSM that finds sophistication and freedom in all forms of what was once thought of as perversity.  As an example, at Cannes, a film about bestiality was treated as if it offered deep and penetrating (any puns are in your own mind) insights into the human condition, when in reality it offered the most casual and coarse depictions of the base instincts at the lowest common denominator of humanity.

Now along comes Apatow to do for the family what he did so incisively and humorously for the sanctity and seriousness of marriage. 

[Disclaimer:  I have not yet seen "Knocked UP", which opens today, but plan on it.  My comments here are based on the review by the New York Times movie critic, A. O. Scott, as well as a wonderful interview with Apatow and Seth Rogan, the star, on NPR yesterday afternoon.]

A. O. Scott, in Bye-Bye, Bong. Hello, Baby, describes the film:

I realize that much of what I have said about it makes “Knocked Up” sound like a pretty heavy picture, pregnant (sorry!) with seriousness and social significance. But since the birth of the talkies the best American movie comedies have managed to confront grave matters and to defy their own gravity.

In this case the buoyant hilarity never feels weighed down by moral earnestness, even though the film’s ethical sincerity is rarely in doubt. The writing is quick and sharp, and the jokes skitter past, vanishing almost before you can catch them. Rather than toggle back and forth, sitcom-style, between laughter and tears, Mr. Apatow lingers in his scenes long enough to show that what is funny can also be sad and vice versa.

“Knocked Up” made me smile and wince; it made me laugh and almost cry. Above all it made me happy.

What struck me most in the review was a scene quoted from the movie, in which Ben (Seth Grogan) wants to do the right thing, but is at a loss on how to proceed:

At a moment of crisis Ben calls his father, a nice, tolerant guy played by Harold Ramis, for advice. “Just tell me what to do,” he begs, but no help is forthcoming. (“I’ve been divorced three times. Why are you asking me?”) The absence of a credible model of male adulthood is clearly one of the forces trapping Ben and his friends in their state of blithe immaturity.

"Blithe immaturity" is one of the "blessings" that our combination of great wealth, immature parenting, prolonged adolescence, and societal idealization of narcissism has bequeathed to our children, especially our sons. 

The Feminist inspired devaluation of manhood adopted by the opinion leaders and the cultural elite (only too happy to press the meme that men are unnecessary for rearing children, and in fact, are often considered a detriment) has had long standing deleterious effects on our children and the ideal of marriage.  The fact that for most, if not all, the reality of marriage falls short of an idealized, fantasied marriage, has become a part of the narcissistic tendency to place our own gratification above the needs of anyone and anything else; it is one reason broken marriages and broken homes are so prevalent.  For too many people, it is just easier to break up than to actually work out the difficulties in a problematic marriage; after all, working things out means we can't get everything we want.  As a result, the children of divorce grow up lacking the certitude that they can persevere in marriage even during the inevitable difficult times. 

This in no way implies that all marriages must be preserved at all costs.  This is also not meant to imply that s single parent can not raise a healthy, well adjusted child.  Those are "straw man" arguments meant to rationalize a social pathology that can be overcome by many but damage even more.  Obviously, no one should stay in an abusive relationship, and there are many marriages that can not be salvaged, but it is important that we support the idea that a married couple remains the ideal situation for children and their parents, even if it hurts the feelings of those who have failed in the endeavor. 

"Knocked Up" is likely to help covertly move the discussion.  Offering role models of imperfect individuals trying to grow up and find ways to elevate the needs of another person or persons above their own immediate short term needs is an indispensable role that Hollywood could fill.  If "knocked Up" is financially successful, perhaps it will start a trend of movies made by people who understand that while sex and violence sells, love and intimacy lasts.

Comments

[Erica]

Well, I've tried to leave another comment that's turned into an essay once again. I've posted it

[Erica]

Oops, that is here

[littlebeartoe]

Excellent commentary. I hope the age of disposable relationships and marriages is ending.

[littlebeartoe]

Excellent commentary. I hope the age of disposable relationships and marriages is ending.

[Jack Okie]

About 15 years ago I joined a church that had a huge commitment to the divorced and their children. Through a variety of workshops and classes (a couple of which I ended up teaching myself) I learned the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, that if I'm not able to be happy living alone then I will probably never be happy, and that my relationships with God and myself needed to be in reasonably good order before I was ready to participate in a relationship with someone else. My reaction was "Good grief! Why am I 47 years old and just now finding this out?"

As almost every Hollywood movie illustrates, our culture promotes the idea that success/salvation/winning is to be in a romantic relationship (another "Romantic Fallacy"). This encourages people in a relationship to expect to get from the other person things that only God or oneself can provide. I believe this destructive idea is behind many, if not most, divorces. Ultimately, you feel like you're sucking eggs, and have to get out. One of the best comments I've heard is "You get married so there will be someone to watch your back".

[kynna]

I saw this movie at its premiere in LA and there's a scene where they do a sonogram (not true-to-life of course) on the baby when it's at 7 weeks. There's nothing there but a tiny blob with a flicker that the doctor identifies as the heart and it's beating loud and clear. I don't think the message was lost on the Hollywood audience I attended the movie with. Judd Apatow is a family man with a couple of kids and a loving wife (who is hilarious in the movie btw). I'm glad he's making movies. I don't think his stars understand some of the subtle, challenging messages he puts in his films, but they're there and they sink in when the audience sees them on the big screen. Even in stupid Hollywood.

[Assistant Village Idiot]

People feel attacked and accused so easily on this subject that it's sometimes hard to have a discussion at all. "Well, MY kids are turning out just fine, thank you very much. Justin made the honor roll and..." they just miss the point. Everyone should know that tendencies are tendencies, not destinies. Maybe there is some defensiveness.

I am a child of divorce who has been married 30 years. I think marriage is harder in this era because life is easier. People can financially afford to separate, which was simply not the case for most people until recently. The surrounding culture tends to undermine marriage more than promote it. Marriages were usually shorter because people didn't live as long. Everyone else's life was hard, too, so there was less perception of having been cheated in the family sweepstakes. We take on adult responsibility later now than our grandparents did, so we are less well trained to be spouses.

[sestamibi]

We're now into the second and maybe third generation of what you very accurately called "the narcissistic tendency to place our own gratification above the needs of anyone and anything else". Gone relatively unnoticed, however, is the fact that each such generation is smaller than the one that preceded it.

Nature does not select for feminism. It selects for patriarchal societies in which women's choices are very circumscribed and breeding is not optional. Come back to Europe in 20-30 years and you'll see why radical Muslim web sites boast about the imposition of sharia in The Netherlands in 2030, Scandinavia 2050, etc.

[K T Cat]

Thanks for the recommendation! I probably won't see the film because I am just not that into movies, but as a single dad I deeply appreciate what you've done with this blog post. Parenting isn't a hobby you can do in your spare time. Doing a good, conscientious job of it after a divorce or death of a spouse is a huge job. If you're trying to do it cooperatively with an uncooperative ex, it's nearly impossible.

Hollywood's refusal to deal with the realities of these moral choices is what has led me to stop seeing movies. Or at least, stop seeing movies made after 1960. Call me whatever you'd like, naive, living in the past, a throwback, whatever. I've got years of experience that says that Hollywood has been peddling failure and pain dressed up in a glamorous package.

Thank God for people like you and Judd.

OT, but I wanted to provide a notice to Jimmy and Stephen.

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